What do you think of my poem?

Asked by funadvice 10 months ago, 20 answers.

I wrote this poem, a while back
I don't know to me it seems like it kinda just wonders off for a while, but I just got inot this moment when it was just flowing out of me, it's written in an a.b rhyming

but whats your opinion on it, be honest even if...

it's brutal it's ok

This is the moment when time stands still
this is when all of heaven becomes a pill,
Walk towards me and ignore the light,
One thing’s for sure, we’re not going without a fight

Should I climb this star among our souls
And try to cover all the dark holes
Make me feel that one last emotion
But hurry please as I fade from erosion

With our expectations there lies our fate
Out of a burst and shimmer here comes hate
Drown it in black, white and red
Gaze at the sky, Our stars now dead

Hold this one last moment and thought
Time stood still , when I heard the shot
Listen for the song that I scream
Follow it carefully as if it was a dream

Does it hurt when I’m gone, do you feel lonely
I sit here and think of you only
Watch the stars as they cry
Look for heaven shoot right by

This is the moment when time stands still
Give me a chance before I take the pill
Heaven quietly awaits me, and so does hell
I saw you smile as I fell

In there emotions make you sigh
Take a glance into the past, it makes you high
Just as I took the one last pill

Question closed | Ask a Writing & Literature question

Answered by mrscobainx3 on Jan 12, 2008, 04:18PM
| 1518 answers.

This is pretty deep.
but the imagery that comes from it is amazing.
Your pretty talented,You should try and go somewhere with that.

Answered by hearts on Jan 12, 2008, 04:31PM
| 66 answers.

wow! that was sooo great! and anydoby who says other wise is not sain!

Answered by babygotback36 on Jan 12, 2008, 05:17PM
| 30 answers.

woww that was really really good.
you are really talented..

I would love to see more. funmail me one.

Answered by swimming2life on Jan 12, 2008, 05:35PM
| 20 answers.

I think it has a great massage! It is really good!

Answered by scream_your_heart_out on Jan 12, 2008, 06:24PM
| 3 answers.

Click to see large size

that was pretty touching... you can realy feel emotion in it... I write a bit too... but yeah thats good.. keep it up. be good to hear more...xx

Answered by hotchocolate0304 on Jan 12, 2008, 06:30PM
| 39 answers.

wow. I love it.

Answered by thetifftaff on Jan 12, 2008, 10:26PM
| 16 answers.

it looks like everyone likes it so hate me if you want to but I dont really care for it maybe because that's not realy my kinda thing to me it sounds like a suicide, and I don't think it has a great message, but I like that it rhymes. but you are talented and a lot of other people will like what you write it's just not the kinda stuff I like to read

Answered by here_4_us on Jan 13, 2008, 03:23AM
| 93 answers.

I agree with you how it kind of drifts off at one point, but I like how you bring it back yo the main point. To me, it sounds like someone's either taking an antidepressant as the result of being depressed from a brake up, or poison for something simila. Could you give a little more background on the poem.

Answered by funadvice on Jan 13, 2008, 01:22PM
| 42400 answers.

ok heres the dealio yo

this poem is kind of how loving someone can be a drug of somesort, a pill for say
and how loving them so much into that world where everything seems to stop and nothing is important, kinda like being on drugs

and after a while all that love tends to turn negative when that person you love turns on you and uses you to the point where there's no return, kinda like the abuse of being on drugs

it just takes you through a journey of how the character is dealing, with his lover's disceptions, and at the end of it when I say "just as I took one last pill", it means one last kiss

even at the beginning, the power of a kiss can be like a high,
"this is when heaven becomes a pill"
don't you feel like you're in heaven when you kiss the one you love?
so the "pill" is a kiss, and I has nothing to do with suicide or any kind of death, just the journey of love, throught the good and through the bad

Answered by brokenwings on Jan 13, 2008, 03:58PM
| 143 answers.

HOLI SHYT! I LOVED IT! <3
your amazing.

Answered by cantthinkofanamebiotch on Jan 14, 2008, 06:04PM
| 211 answers.

wow I love it, it is an awesome poem.

Answered by funadvice on Jan 15, 2008, 02:27PM
| 42400 answers.

wow thats pretty deep but really good , I liked it

Answered by lalie_babe on Jan 19, 2008, 06:41PM
| 67 answers.

it was good, but I am a very poetic person.
and in my opinion, it could be concidered EXCELLENT if you tweaked your ryhme sequence. try to make the syllables match between lines.
**for the 4th line, you could say:
"we're not going down without a fight"
to make the verse flow.
other than those things,
very well done.