What do we do when someone is in trouble?

 
I know we don't give professional medical advice. Our advice is limited to common sense advice based upon our own experiences and knowledge. Members are advised in the Terms of Use to seek Professional advice and services where appropriate.

But,...

what should WE do? Should we simply hide and hope that it all goes away?
 
 
We should be in Harmony
 
If you're in my here and now,
Then it is certainly meant to be;
That for this moment, at this time,
We should be in Harmony.

Why? You ask. What is the reason?
That "fate" has brought us near;
Well, the only way we're going to know,
Is by listening - until we hear.

The purpose may be for you,
Or maybe even me;
Or maybe even someone else,
Whom we may not yet see.

But our meeting which brings together,
A fruition of our being;
Is meant to be of benefit,
In helping someone else to seeing.

For we all are our brothers' keepers,
Enlightening and guiding their way;
As we strive to fulfill our charge,
To gather back together - Whole someday.

But grant to each their individuality,
Their right to choose their path alone;
For though the roads may twist and turn,
All roads eventually do lead Home!

 
I made a promise to Blair (bass) that if she died I'd post her story. I'll do so as an Answer to this Question, but my Question remains: What do we do when someone is in trouble?

this is a letter that I found in blairs room. she wrote it to me.
I guess you could say it was her last words.

Hey Nate.

I love you so so much. And I don’t know what to say to you, all I can say is I am sorry. I am so so so sorry. I never meant to put you through so much pain. I didn’t mean to, honestly. I will try to explain this to you as best as I can, and I really want to you to listen, and really try and understand as much as you can, okay!!

I honestly didn’t and sometimes still don’t think what I am doing is wrong, I still like what I do. I first just wanted to go onto a diet and loose some weight and then everyone was telling me how good I looked, and I really liked it, so I just started to eat less and less, until less became hardly anything. I could never reach my target, my target got lower and lower. I would only ever eat at dinner time. I would sit at the table, and mainly push my food around on my plate, cut my food into tiny little pieces hide it under other foods and in my napkin, and what I did eat, I would go and throw it up straight away. I would use excuses like I was sick or I ate before, or I had homework to do, so I would take it up to my room and eat it, but I would actually flush it down the toilet. I would throw up a lot, and then when I started to throw up blood I knew something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t stop. I liked what I was doing, it gave me a sense of control, I felt like I was finally controlling something in my life, and I liked it. But I couldn’t stop, it was like an addiction, and sometimes as hard as I tried I just couldn’t stop throwing up. I know this might be hard to hear, but I really want you to know all of this. Even though I was lying to everyone’s faces, I really didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I am sorry if hiding it from you if it hurt you, but I knew that you wouldn’t understand.

Once you guys found out about me not eating much, mum sat me down and told me to start eating again, so I told her I would, but I didn’t, I couldn’t. I couldn’t lose control! I need that power. And then that day when I passed out and everyone worried so much, and I told you guys not to, I was just really tired, but you guys wouldn’t drop it, you got me so mad! I just wanted to hit you all! I wanted to run away. And this kept going out, everyone started to watch over my shoulder. Blair did you eat?, you better eat some more Blair. Blair EAT EAT EAT!!!. I couldn’t take it any more. And that day when you took me to the hospital and made me get that feeding tube in. OMG! I wanted to kill myself, to be honest I even thought about it. I wasn’t going to live with a fat tube in my stomach! And I even had to eat normally as well, I could live like that. So I hid my food, even if you didn’t think I was. Behind my clothes in my cupboard I made a whole in the wall, and I hid my food in there. No one knew. And I still made myself throw up, I had my ways. And I know that breaking the feeding tube and pulling it out got you guys mad, but you honestly didn’t think I was going to be okay with it, did you? And when I had my weigh ins I would put weights in my socks to make you guys think I put on weight, when I didn’t! but that day when I didn’t put my weights in because I wasn’t even allowed to wear sock, and I found out I had put on weight, I was absolutely mortified. Words can’t even explain how much pain I was in! and when I made myself throw up all that blood and vial, I felt so much better. I know it was wrong but I couldn’t help it. And then once I woke up in my hospital bed with that lady form the inpatient treatment centre! OHHH! I could have killed you guys! And when I found out that I had to keep the feeding tube in, I could have lost it. Once I got there I couldn’t handle it, I just couldn’t. Once they checked my bags and my room, they left me in my room to get settled in. I made myself throw up. Like I wouldn’t even be able to count how many times I did. I am really sorry I did, but I needed to. And that was the last thing I can remember being there. When I woke up I was back in the hospital. And after that I felt like I had let you guys down, I felt like you all hated me, and I couldn’t deal with that, so I just stopped talking to yous.

Nate you are my best friend. It hurts me the most thinking about how I am treating you. I miss your hugs, but I just can’t let you touch me, I hate you even looking at me, because I am disgusting, and I can’t stand you looking at my disgustingness. I miss talking to you. You are my best friend and you always understood what I go through, but I knew you wouldn’t be able to understand this. I just knew you wouldn’t. I hope that you don’t hate me, because one day I am going to be myself again, and we will go back to normal, and thinking of those days make me want to keep on living. I would rather die then be fat! I really would and I honestly mean that!!

I am sorry if this letter hurts you or upsets you, but I want you to understand. Even though I don’t think you can.

If you are reading this letter, I am probably dead, because I don’t plan on giving you this letter, and if I died I am guessing you will find it. I am sorry about what I have put you and mum and dad through I really am, I honestly didn’t mean to! I love you guys sooo sooo much words can’t even describe it! But I am tired of living this life, I just don’t think I can do it for much longer, be fat, it’s disgusting, I am just crawling out of my skin.

I love you Nate!
And I want you to look after mum and dad, I want them to know that I love them with all my heart, and I never meant for this to happen. I love you Nate. You are the best brother anyone could ask for! And I cherish the last hug we had!

Love Blair.

I miss you more and more everyday Blair!

 
        Your day is done, your troubles past,
        From now on, you're free at last;
        No more fears to stress your day,
        THIS life is finished, you're on your way.
 
  
I first came across one of Blair's (bass) Questions on June 13, 2008, which happened to be the day she joined Fun Advice.

According to her posts, she was 5 feet 4 inches tall and weighed 102 pounds. Two and a half months later she was down to 53 pounds. She was definitely anorexic AND bulimic.

She hid her condition from her family, friends and even her boyfriend. She wouldn't / couldn't admit that she had an eating disorder.

June 20th: She still thinks that she is fat and that everyone is lying to her.

June 23rd: She complained of stomach and chest pains and a shakiness of her hands. She was advised to start eating and to also see a doctor. Naturally, she could do neither because of the mental state of the eating disorder.

July 13th: She admits that it is like a war in her head (eat or not to eat) but refuses intervention. Still won't admit that she has a mental problem / eating disorder.

Late July: She read an article about girls with anorexia and bulimia and wondered if that was possible.

Approximate end of July: Fun Mailed me that she had taken everyone's advice and told her mom.

Fun Mail from Blair around August 3rd

I can be right.
I have to be right.
this is the only thing I am right about.
everything else sucks.

I just coughed up blood, again.

I think my life is slowly coming to an end but why am I not scared?? why cant I stop doing what I know is doing this to me?

August 4th: She was admitted to the hospital and had an operation that inserted a feeding tube into her stomach. She hates everything and still doesn't comprehend that it is SHE that has a problem. Regrets loss of control over her own actions (the choice to eat or not to eat). She still thinks she is fat. Still can't force herself to eat.

August 19th: Says she hasn't been happy for a very long time.

August 21st: My response to her third from last Question that she posted

http://www.funadvice.com/q/...

If you're only 24 kilos, that's only 53 pounds. You still need to gain a lot more weight in order to get healthy.

There is nothing any of us can say that is going to help you and your situation. YOU have to decide that YOU want to get well and start leading a normal life. That's all it takes. YOU, making the decision, then following through on those things that will benefit you.

I really wish there was something that I could say or do, but there isn't. All I can do is keep hearing about your dangerous condition and keep wondering how much longer it's going to be until your body totally quits.

I'll be sorry to hear of your passing away but will know that WE did nothing wrong, that that is the normal and natural result of anorexia. Maybe we can use your story as a way to try to influence some other young person away from this mental eating disorder that is such a killer of the world's young people.

Ted

Fun Mail from Blair around August 22nd

how dare you say that I am going to die soon.
and then tell me that you are going to use my story!!
HOW DARE YOU!

Fun Mail from Blair around August 24th

well I am going to my inpatient treatment center in a couple of hours. I still have my feeding tube in.

I really don't want to go, and I hate my parents so much for forcing me to go. I do not want to put weight on, I do not want to get counseling.
I hate this sooo much. but most of all I am so scared to go, I am petrified!

Any way, I told my older brother the other day about this website and asking people for help, and he said it was a good idea, and he said (because I don't think I am allowed to use computers) that he would come on here and let people know if anything should happen to me.

But I also wanted to say, the other day when you said that if I died that you would use my story and I got all pissed off, I was thinking about it and if anything should happen to me, I would like you to post a post on this website with my story, so other people will know and if they have an eating disorder, then they can hopefully get help.

please that is all I ask for,
promise me you will do it.

thanks.
blair.x

That was my last contact with Blair. Over the next six days all my contacts were with her brother Nate.

Blair passed away at 8:30 PM on August 28, 2008. She was 15 years old.

Those whom I meet

Those whom I meet, as Friends I greet,
And as a Friend I treat them so;
That when in need, or sadly grieved,
I may help their Spirits grow.

For unto this world, as a shepherd I came,
With a Life that's not my own;
And a purpose plain, that's not for fame,
But to help my friends get home.

So when I hear, upon my ear,
The sounds of troubled Souls;
I can do no less, then to do my best,
To help them toward their goals.

And I know I'll find, with the passage of time,
That I've helped their Spirits grow some;
And though appreciated, thanks aren't awaited,
For my friends are always welcome.


Ted

Do whatever we can. Give them contacts to people we know/websites/helplines that might help; share our own experiences; talk to them one-to-one if possible. We can only help so much, but the person in trouble has to help themselves first.

rest in peace blair...a beutiful life not lost in vain.

I just hope that others who are considering this way to loose weigh look at this beutful girl and see what happened to her...

ED's are dangerous, they are consuming and when you think you have control, that's normally when you have lost it...

bless her, and my love to all her family at this very difficult and confusing time x x

thank-you.
I am going to miss my baby sister so much.
you have no idea.

I just hope that if anyone with an eating disorder will read this and decide to get help.
my sister went from bad to worse, then to dead in only about 3 months.

please people get help if you need it.

I just want my sister back!

guys dont take life for granted and that includes me...you never know when its your time to go..blair is only 15 and I never thought that her illness will get worst..so while we are still alive lets be grateful in life...blair wherever you are may you rest in peace..