What am I? where am I going? perpetually single.

Trying to keep this short.

I've had a really bad life so far. As a small child I've been kidnapped, beaten, abandoned, dragged from country to country, abused, adopted, abused, abandoned again, mother died, yada yada yada. And it just continued with tragedy and trouble even to the present day. Hollywood makes movies about people like me.

I'll spare the details and just say that only war veterans get my sympathy. I've turned out pretty well despite it though. I'm not crazy, and I doubt anybody would suspect a troubled past even after years of knowing me. I'm OK. I've dealt well, and even triumphantly with all the evils hell has to offer, for the most part. But, I've had family problems since the beginning, and that's something that really bothered me.

Starting as a young kid, maybe 11 or 12 years old, I decided when I grew up I would marry and have the best, strongest, most stable family ever. It was the only thing I felt was really missing, that I needed to have no matter how bad things got, or how lofty my other goals were. I dedicated my life to that goal first and foremost.

Teenage years, did well in school, nearly perfect grades in all the hardest classes, plus did well in football, wrestling, track, baseball, and maybe some other sports I've forgotten. I also worked full time. I was good looking, athletic, and pretty rugged all over. But, I never got a date. Not once did a girl ever act the least bit interested in me. Every time I asked a girl out, it was a clear 'No'. A few explained of course. Boyfriend. Sure. Different one every week, just not me.

Same story through college. I was dedicated to academics in college, I was an honor student, so no time for sports. I did amateur bodybuilding (no drugs) a few hours a week instead to stay in shape. I have awesome genes, so I ended up looking pretty magnificent. One older married girl said I looked like a Roman god. I heard it through the grapevine - best compliment ever.

Had a couple 'kinda-sorta' dates around this time, but only one girl gave me a second 'kinda-sorta' date, which we continued for 8 months. I say 'kinda-sorta' because we were basically weekend movie buddies. Never kissed, or anything like that. She was more or less the first girl I had ever seen up close, haha. She made it clear she wasn't interested in anything else though. She refused to see me again when I tried to hold her hand. I heard she married an old boyfriend a few months later.

I knew something was wrong all the way back in high school, but it was starting to get ridiculous - I could sense it. I started talking to friends and roommates. Found out a lot of the facts of life that I had been missing out on. I had never even kissed a girl. I had no idea that I was probably the only guy at the entire university who was like that. Other than being smart and athletic, I was no different from anyone else as far as I could tell. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.

I started getting depressed. Most of the people I knew were seriously dating or getting married. I felt like I'm at a huge banquet but I'm not allowed to eat. What's that Howard Jones song? Yeah, that's me. I lost my virginity around this time. But, that was a setup from friends. I think she was a prostitute. Didn't help, I started feeling really bad about myself. I had never had a real date before, let alone a girlfriend, and it wasn't for lack of trying. Normal people had had dozens, or even hundreds of dates, girlfriends, even marriages and kids. I felt like I was chopped liver to the opposite sex, if even that, and I was just barely realizing that that's not normal..

From then on, talking to girls felt like Mr. Rogers and his puppets trying to compete in the olympics. I felt lucky if I was even considered before rejection. I stopped trying. Then a bright spot, I got a date. I found a girl that seemed to like me. And I found out what holding hands was like, and talking, and always having something to do after work. Ah, and I discovered what sex was supposed to be like. It's A LOT different when you're in love! She was beautiful, much more than I ever thought I was worthy of. She told me I was amazing, and she wanted to marry me. We wanted a daughter.

We dated for 2 weeks short of a year. At this time, the tragedies and chaos were all rolling in like normal, but it was all OK as long as I had my girlfriend, I was pretty tough by this time anyway, and I could hande it. I was going to propose on our 1 year anniversary, but she met someone else that day, and EXACTLY 40 days later, she was married to him. I was crushed, I was discarded and replaced so easily. I felt like I had been dying without realizing it, and then suddenly taken off life support. I could barely function, I couldn't eat. I lost 30 pounds in 2 weeks. I was hospitalized. My adoptive family disowned me, they didn't want to deal with me, or the medical bills. I ended up homeless.

All the problems screwed up my opportunity for college, so I worked my butt off for the next 5 years at crappy, dangerous jobs to try to stave off homelessness and starvation. I frequently went up to a week without food, but eventually I made it back into a lower quality college, graduated, and started my own business, and was doing decent income-wise. I was making almost double what other people my age were. Never got a date during any of that time though, once again, not for lack of trying.

I was still working like a dog though. I had a lot of debt, starting with those old medical bills. Even though I was making good money, I rarely had a spare dime. I started feeling burned out, I needed something more than just broken dreams and a lonely home. I started saving my spare dimes. Eventually, I planned to take a vacation. I had never had a vacation before, and I had been working full time (plus school etc) since I was 14. This wasn't going to be just any vacation though, I was on a last ditch quest for a family: I was looking for a date!

3 years worth of spare dimes and I travelled through the USA, courted girls from 6 or 7 different countries in europe, asia, africa, and the pacific, and on my LAST day of travelling, I finally got a date with a single mother in Costa Rica. It was only one date, but we had been flirting for 3 weeks prior, so I thought it was worth pursuing. As soon as I got back to work in the USA, I started writing her. She wrote back once or twice, and that was it. The end. Never heard from her again.

So, I did what any reasonable man would do: I gave up. I'm no quitter, but jeez, you HAVE TO quit eventually. Nobody has to work as hard as I do for a bowl of beans, and I'm sick of it. I could run nations, or cure diseases, but I've been getting my butt kicked in life in every way, and I've got nothing to show for it. I hear people complain about their problems, they seem so small to me. I have so much to offer, or at least I used to, and like a message in a bottle, I haven't been discovered yet. I really feel like my bottle got soggy and sank to the bottom of the ocean.

I just had a birthday a little while ago. I'm older now. I had a really good job, and I was thinking about saving more spare dimes and trying again. Then there was an accident at work, an industrial accident. I'm crippled now. I spent 6 months unable to walk or tie my shoes. My hands are working better, and I can walk without limping if I concentrate, but I can't do much of anything for more than a few minutes. Back when I was working so much, I was really stressed and I felt like I was 50 years old. Now, ironically, my body functions like I'm 70 years old.

Luckily I'm not disfigured, I look almost exactly the same. I still look athletic even. But, due to a quirk in the regulations, I'm not eligible for disabiliy benefits, and I can't work at even simple jobs anymore because of my hand problems (I can't hold a telephone, turn pages of a book, or drive a car). For the first time in my life, I'm dependent on the charity of others, which is running out quickly. It doesn't help that I don't LOOK crippled. People accuse me of faking it all the time, which really bothers me. I'm not getting disability benefits, so why would I do that? I worked really hard to get in the condition I'm in.

I just can't imagine what I could offer to a potential wife anymore. I'm past my prime already, and (probably) not physically capable of much sexually. If I was chopped liver before, I'm definitely desert sand now. What's even worse is I've totally lost interest. The thought of a hot date on a saturday night sounds like an evening of treading water in a sewage treatment plant. The thought of marriage sounds like a trip to the proctologist.

I still haven't figured out what was wrong with me in my younger years, but now, I know exactly what's wrong. I'm not sure what to think of it though. Is it a bad thing? I haven't felt interested in female charms in months. I feel kind of disappointed that I'm enjoying it so much. It's like freedom. Going thirsty and then getting the gatorade dumped on you after winning the superbowl. I've won the battle with loneliness by simply not caring anymore.

Anyone have any thoughts on this? Yes, I REALLY did try to keep it short. I have stories that'd impress Indiana Jones, but I cut the details out and tried to present the best picture I could without it.

honestly, I have no thoughts on this since im way way younger than you but just to tell you, I did read it all and yes, all my problems now feels like the size of an ant........

Wow, it's not like your letters a sympothy getter, but it does mean something to me. I relize now how much I take simple things for granted. Everyone does. All you ever wanted was a loving person to care about and get loved in return. But I think you learned that caring about people is all you can do, if you don't get it in return theres nothing you can do about it. And a lotta people don't relize it, just focus on the ones that are already there for you. Which im sure you're doing. Thanks for writing it ment a lot to me. I read every word.

I read the whole thing over. And Firstly I would like to say, yea what happend is horrible, and you appeared to have 'split your guts'. On the other hand, there are people in much worse situations then you. Anyways I could rant on now about that, but I'll just step up to the plate and dish out the advice.

1) You need to sort yourself out financially in someway, you said 'no problem is unsurmountable' on my page. Well don't type it if you don't believe it.

-I don't know exactly what you can and can't do, so therefore it will be up to you to think of ways to support yourself.

2)Regarding women......I honestly don't know what your unattractive quality was/is If you were as athletic and good looking as stated then its almost unbelievable. I will tell you one thing though, you usually tend to pick girls up through friends, IE meet through friends. If you didn't have any friends people kinda get anxious to the reason why...

You did/do have options though. You could have done Speed-dating for a start, I haven't done it, but I've heard its pretty funny, If you watched the movie 'Hitch' Speed-dating happend in one of the last scenes. -That's an easy way to get a date.

I suppose you 'travelled' the world etc......um you should have gone to Russia. Russian Brides. ...You stay in E-mail contact with 1 etc and get to know them and then you meet up etc ....there are plenty of websites, just enter it into google.

I don't know what you're after with this message. Adivce or Sympathy. At the end of the day, If I learnt one thing, it's this: The world is an unfair place, and doesn't give a crap about anybody. I mean what do you want? - How old are you anyways, 35?

I apologise if the message isn't too sympathetic, since I know close relatives who are 'war veterans', and I'm not going to run a guilt trip myself, but there are details about my history which I don't care to discuss. Reply and I'll see if I can help you a little bit.

I'm doing a bit better now, since I wrote that, especially financially. I'm extremely talented with finances, and I was never really worried about that in the long term, even though being in bad physical shape would make homelessness much scarier than before. I'm not making enough money to support myself yet, but I think in a year or two I may be able to.

Nothing else has changed though.

I just want to clarify that I'm actually not very old. With such a long history I can see why it'd seem that way. I'm still in my 20's. Even though I'm not old, I honestly feel that I have 4 or 5 lifetimes worth of experiences, all compressed down into 20 to 30 years. I'm not kidding. I'm absolutely serious when I tell you that elderly people listen to MY stories. Grandpa Simpson has met his match, haha.

Even though I talked a lot about my history before I got to my question, I'm not too worried about it. Life has kicked my butt bigtime, and I've lost every battle I've ever fought, as expected. Compared to most people, I fight HUGE unwinnable battles with unbelievably bad odds - And I do it so well that I seriously feel like some kind of invincible superhero in the process. It's amazing I did as well as I did, regardless of how it turns out in the end. I left out a lot of details for privacy reasons, but let me say this: The few people that I've known who were in similar situations are all dead now (or better off that way). I'm the only one left.

But, none of that is the point, that's just the background for my very unique situation. I've got it handled better than anyone else ever could, and even though I'm pretty sure I'm thoroughly beaten at this point, if I find even one crack in this bad-luck-machine, I'll have no trouble peeling it wide open.

My problem is that I'm starting to like being beaten. It feels SO GOOD to not worry anymore, to not even care. I'm not talking about the apathy that comes with depression and a defeatist outlook. I promise it's not that. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm just jaded?

In any case, I was almost sure that no one would be able to relate to such an odd set of circumstances, but I wrote it up anyway, if only so I could sort things out for myself. I have the hardships under control (or at least I'm comfortable with the terms of my surrender), it's the relationships side that is a mystery.

I used to think I was pretty smart, but I can't figure out what in the world could be so universally repulsive about me to leave me so lonely for so many years. I've seen some pretty horrific people who have better luck in that department. Bah, I guess I don't care, like I said. I don't know what else to say - I really don't care. It's so strange to me to not care about something that used to seem so important. I guess that's all that's got me reaching for advice.

It's probably just a healthy temporary break from the routine.

Toouching story. And I am sorry to hear that. I have been through a third of what you have been through. But life is what you make it, as a child of course not, your learning everyday of your life but your learning every second of your childhood. So I am not saying that you could have changed all of whats gone on when you where a child. But now, an adult this is your chance to change it for the better as far as it goes now, your half way there. You are not in these situations anymore. The past is hard to let go, but if you can in some way at all. Life is what you make it and nows the time to change it for the better.

I have been sexually abused twice, once my grandfather who for some reason as a granddaughter I loved very much before and after the incident. And once by my uncle. I was beaten by my sister and I passed it over to my little sister and brother which I feel terrably bad for. My mum has never cared for me in the best ways she could have. School dinners, I use to come home to find myself locked out, no money and to return to school with an empty stomach and yes my mother would be awear of this. Home time, again I'd come home to find myself locked out for two hours in the snow or rainstorm while she went out shopping for clothes with the family allowance she was suppose to spend on me and my sister.

I was never baught clothes. I must have worn the same clothes for years and very little I had. I wasn't even given second handcloths.

My mum even beat me up once because she 'thought' I was on drugs and to this day, still hasn't appoligised.

Now for a month on she doesn't speak with me because I couldn't borrow her any money.

I even turned suicidel because of the way my mother treat me, I even went through a nervous breakdown and to this day she doesn't have a clue because I can't talk to her about it because she will just make excuses and make it out to be my fault. I have to say for all she has done I hate her with all my heart, I really do and I wish she would just die, save a lot of people such as her boyfriend the stress of being dumped two or three times a month. But I wouldn't want her to die because of the children.

She has never always hated me. She just has never seen me as her daughter.

wow

Write a book?

HI everyone. I'm surprised people are still following this. I thought I'd post a little update. Since I originally posted here things have changed a bit, but I'm not sure that I've gone either forward or backward.

I've been getting unjustly imprisoned a lot - 5 times so far, and it's really crappy, but I'm dealing with it with some success. I've been exonerated (that means 'proven innocent') for 3 of those imprisonments so far.

My physical condition has improved enough that I can walk again, and usually without any serious difficulty. I have also recovered some of the use of my hands, but my stamina isn't good enough to work.

I made a few good investments with the last of my money, and they were waiting for me when I got out of jail, along with a new friend that helped me get back on my feet. Things aren't great, but I'm no longer going hungry, and I've got a place of my own for now. I hope things continue to improve.

I've been seeing a psychologist and I've been diagnosed with severe chronic PTSD. I've probably had it all my life without knowing it. I found out that the industrial accident that crippled me was actually only a trigger for a complex neurological condition that was originally caused by an infection. I had a weakened immune system due to too much stress that allowed a normally harmless bacteria to damage my central nervous system. In other words, I had too much stress, which weakened my immune system, then I got an infection that did brain damage, then I got injured at work, and I healed up but it still felt like I was injured because my nerves are fried.

I have been abandoned in times of need many times, both as a child and as an adult, and that's at least one part of the cause of my PTSD. It got so bad after I was last released from jail that I couldn't even go outside without totally freaking out. Actually, that's about where I'm at now. I guess I've endured too much for too long, and I've started to crack. But, now that I know what's going on, I'm getting therapy, and hopefully I'll continue to improve.

I got a scholarship to my local university, and when the police found out I was going to college, they put me in jail to keep me from attending. They lied about the reasons they were imprisoning me, but I was several steps ahead of them, and I recorded everything, including the actual arrest, and I was able to prove that they were just being malicious. Someone paid one of the prisoners to attack me while I was in jail. I got bloodied up, but I survived it without permanent physical injuries.

I was tortured by the jail staff when they withheld medications and treatment, and they deprived me of sleep for a few months. Under the stress of torture I started having very serious psychological problems, including hallucinations, but the hallucinations went away once I was released and the torture stopped. I'm sure all of that is at least part of the reasons why I've got such severe PTSD now.

The police have tried several more times to put me in jail, but after I embarrassed them in court last time, their colleagues haven't supported any further imprisonments. They're still trying though, and their next attempt will occur late this month.

stellaapplemoor said I should write a book, and I'd like to, but I'm afraid to. I'm hoping to leave my country someday, and once I've got asylum, then I can publish something. If anybody has connections with Oprah or another influential media outlet, I think I'd be safe getting my story out that way. I think it's time.

I'm not worried about girls - I'm worried about not caring anymore. I found out that PTSD is caused by trauma so distressing that it makes a person 'turn off' emotionally. It may be the reason why I've not been able to get close to anyone - the problem might have been with me all along, and I just didn't know it. I don't really understand how that could be working with me, but it's a common thing for people that have survived extreme situations.

I've been intentionally vague about a lot of things, mostly for my safety and privacy. Maybe someday there will be books and movies about me, but for now, it's not safe for me to reveal too many details. When people hear about all of my experiences, they assume I'm old, but when I wrote this, I was in my mid-20's. It wasn't too long ago that I wrote this, and I've got a long way to go before I get to age 30.

you've had it rough man. Some people just get no luck. You seem to be a stronger man than me, I doubt I would have pulled through the same situation. thats something to be proud of, it really is. the only thing I can relate to is how you described your love life. mines exactly the same except I got girlfriends all the time when I was younger. But now, I know im not ugly, and I started working out a lot, like you did. but I just can't get a girlfriend for the life of me. same situation, its not from the lack of trying. And I don't know why, guess we'll never figure it out. Its wierd man, because my plan too was to save up as much money as possible and travel so I can find a girl. but its been so long that I too have given up. Its strange to think how people can be broken like that, so much energy and commitment, and then nothing. and it does feel so much better to not care. It kinda scared me when I read about your love life, because you described mine to the T. Even your state of mind, im 20 and if I don't do something soon, I will have the exact storie in 5 years. you should think about writing a book, it would kept me interested. ill call oporah for you, lol. but why would the police be targeting you, you must have pissed them off somehow. the way you wrote everything, it just doesn't seem like your the type to go to jail. But anyway man, good luck. things will get better. keep me updated

Yes, people can be broken, and if it happens to a fighter, it can be a long ugly process. But, I've heard it said that it's better to have lived, and died, than to have never lived at all. I am a broken man, but there is still something to be had in the breaking.

I am frail and human, but I have nothing more than that. What do the broken fear? I have taken risks that have made other people's stomach's turn, solely out of righteous indignation. I have gambled my life on numerous occasions essentially as a matter of principle. Live or die, it's all the same to me.

It's a fine balancing act, to care enough about your cause to risk yourself, but care enough about yourself to not risk your cause. It's not healthy to live like that for so long as I have, but I have learned what it means to be a man - a REAL man - and someday I'll have a chance to share what I have learned in great detail.

In many ways, we are soldiers. A good soldier is paid poorly, lives in terrible conditions, will die a miserable death, and still he thinks only of his goals. A bad soldier hopes he's going to survive, that someday things will be the way they were, and so he can't do his job properly because he's not really in the war.

Ironically, it's the soldier who hopes to live, who does not become the war, that is the one most likely to make a tiny mistake and never return to the way things were.

This is my request for advice posting, but I always expected to teach more than to learn (learn once, teach twice), and I will give you some of my wisdom the easy way, so that you will never need to obtain it yourself.

If you want to be a good man, and a good lover, you cannot expect anything in return. You were made to serve. The good soldier accepts that his life, if necessary, is a worthy price for the greater good that he fights for, and he expects nothing more. You will find many opportunities to fight a good fight. Just look around. You are not the only lonely person in the world, but maybe you are the only one who can give a little innocent joy to a lonely young girl. She needs you, and you need to give to her, but don't hope for reciprocation. Anything you receive is wasted because love can only be felt when it is given.

It's true - have you ever received love that you did not return? Have you ever given love that was not returned? You may not have even noticed the love you received but did not return, but the love you gave burned in your chest like a firebrand.

The most intense emotions possible occur in love and in war. The strong soldier and the strong husband and father are all selfless leaders by example.

Good luck to you as well, you will be able to avoid my fate. I'll explain all the details of what's been going on with me when I write my book. I've got around 1000 to 2000 pages of material, so writing the book isn't the hard part, it's paring it down to something small and readable. Luckily I'm a decent writer, and I could probably make a book that long enjoyable, but we'll have to see how it turns out.

My goodness, man, you sound very much like the Bible's Job! A modern day Job all over again.

The only thing I can say is that if you are still breathing, God still does have a special plan for your life.

You are very literate, eloquent, and right about writing much.

May I introduce you to someone?

His name is Jesus Christ, do you know Him? With Him you may be single, but never alone. He already knows all about you, where you've been and where you will go this morning and He wants to have a relationship with you.

awsome man, you write that book

Power to you! Oh the horrors you have been through. write the book. share with the world a story of your life. the pain you went through, all the suffering you endured. I wish you the best of luck. I am so amazed that after all that hardship, you overcame! God does have a special plan for you, and im sure you will perform it well. your story brings tears to my eyes! pain to my heart! do what you are meant to do, show the world, no matter the hardship, you can overcome! *hug*

Hello friend,
I read your story. It is a gut wrenching one. It is equally unbelievable. You have mentioned on numerous occations that you are good looking and athletic. Do me a favor and send me your pic. I'll keep it confidential. Sometimes your story seems so incredulous that its hard to believe that someone can have that much bad luck in one lifetime. Best of luck to you.