Trapped in a sexless relationship

I just read Dan Savage's last column on sexless relationships. I too am tied up in one as well. I love my girlfriend a lot, and she claims she loves me, but she says that sex is just not important to her.

Well, big news, sex is right up there on my hierarchy of needs. I cant see marrying this woman and settling down (now 27 years old) for the rest of my life with limited physical participation, yet we are planning a wedding and a future.

We both are in good physical shape, and we talk about this problem from time to time. She says that sex is not everything... and I agree it's not, yet I feel that although we are supposed to be hyper-civilized and above the base human needs, that it forms a core part of being a satisfied human being.

I love a great conversation, career fulfillment, relationships and so on, but with every day nearing this wedding, I can't see myself going into a barren relationship. I dont want to get married then have to satisfy myself through mas*urbat*on, porno, or heaven forbid, cheat on her.

Is there a sane way to back out of this without hurting each other too much?

Speaking as a woman, I think that your only option is to find one whose needs are more in line with your own.

I've had guys that are on both ends of the spectrum, some can't keep up or leave me unsatisfied.

Others want so much there is no time for anything else - and I end up feeling guilty, which does NOT help the relationship in a healthy way.

in my opinion, the best thing for you to do is to talk to her about it. I know many women who have had abusive boyfriends, or who have had experiences that are best left unmentioned. In fact, a surprising number of women in the USA have had some sort of traumatic, sexual experience.

Yes, from what I read, you have talked to her - but be sure to bring this up. Is there something from her past that is causing her grief?

If she get therapy, perhaps her outlook will change. Or perhaps in the past, she has never had an org**m, and hence, has a negative view on sex. Some women go through their entire lives only to realize at 30 something what good sex is really like.

You didn't mention if she is getting fulfilled, so to speak, in your post so I can only guess that she is...or perhaps she isn't, and that is the problem?

And trust me - your relationship is doomed if one partner feels like they aren't getting what they want out of the relationship.

Trust me on this one! DO NOT marry the girl until you resolve the issue! Orgasms, counseling, whatever! As soon as you say "I DO" she will say "I DON'T". Then its cheating, alimony, child support, divorce costs!

You have no idea how lucky you are knowing this before you get married.

Walk away now! In a few months, when you meet the true love of your life, you'll thank me!

I want to backup the replies you have receieved. I am married and my wife desires sex, with significantly less frequency then I do (I would choose 3-5 times a week, she is happy at 1-2 every two weeks). This is a constant problem.

I often feel that she is only having sex out of guilt, I also feel less than desired as I am always the initiator (but if I hold out and don't initiate she thinks I am angry about something, and if I tell her, then we have sex, but again it feels like it was my request and not her choice).

We have been married for 10 years and I have the two most wonderful children in the world. I have never cheated. I have thought about leaving her, but I could not do that to my children (and I do love her, but the frustration can be very painful - if it were not for the children I would probably have left at some point by now).

Delay the wedding, talk with her, and if the problem cannot be resolved, my advice would be to move on.

In a word, move on.

Don't marry someone not sexually compatible with you. Without going into a lot of detail, I can tell you from experience that it isn't easy to live with that situation in the house. And as time goes on it gets way worse. Then if you have kids you won't leave her because you won't want your children's lives to be affected.

There are too many divorces in this world. Make the lawyers poor. Don't marry her.

Dude, seriously. If she is not putting out, don't put up w/ her. I know you love her, but if there is no sex involved, then you're "just friends." You have no business marrying her. Secondly, if she is "not interested" in sex, then there is something wrong w/ her and she should seek counselling. EVERYBODY LIKES SEX...if they are doing it correctly. Perhaps she's never been satisfied?

I was in a similar situation. I was living w/ a girl for several years and after a while the sex just disappeared. After living together for nearly 3 years, we split up because she decided to try dating women for a while. If there is no sex involved, then I see no point in getting married to someone. No one is above those basic human needs or desires.

Move on, man. There are tons of horny women out there. Since that girl and I broke up, I suddenly discovered how much fun sex can be. I am single, 33 and loving life. There are too many women out there and I don't know if I can ever settle down with a girl that is not going to satisfy me in every way. Don't settle!

First of all (from a woman)- it is interesting that guys always tell each other to ditch a girl who isn't putting out, but will tell a girl to try to be more patient, seductive, etc. when her guy isn't interested.
If she does not have psychological issues, my advice is to have her go to her doctor for a checkup, at which time she needs to tell the doctor that she has no interest in sex. When medical causes are ruled out, maybe you should think about your approach. Stop thinking in terms of 'sex', and start thinking in terms of romance and 'making love.'
Having a partner seduce you is so much more inspiring than 'want to see what I've got in my pocket?'

Sexual compatibility is very important in amrriage because it is THE thing that you are promising to each other and to each other alone! Some women are not as forthcoming about this as your girlfriend and pretend, pretend, pretend. Of course that sort of woman has an ulterior motive, your woman does not, so after following above advise aobut seeing if she has some technique she needs, or there isno medical problem, AFTER that if there is no change, let her go!

I am in exactly the same situation as you my friend. I am 34,attractive fit and healthy and have a great life in every other way. My boyfriend of 18 months proposed to me a year ago and we are planning on marriage next summer. Thing is, our sex life is almost non existent and if Im lucky, he mounts me once a fornight for five minutes, rolls of then goes to sleep leaving me completely unsatisfied. This has been the case from day one. There has never been any passionate 'at it like rabbits' period in our relationship.We never talk about sex, joke about sex, he never touches me outside of our 5 minute fumble. He has never asked me what turns me on, how I like it or even if I like what he does. Sex is a taboo for us.
So why have I put up with this. Well firstly, I just thought that he was a gentleman and didn't want to rush our phyisical relationship. After 2 months, I confronted him with the issue and have found myself bringing it up every 8 weeks or so. He has given me these excuses so far: He's tired (even at weekends and when we went on holiday to the Algarve for a week - never laid a finger on me.)He doesn't like condoms (I went on the pill) Im too noisy during sex (Im now silent) Im too hairy! (I shave EVERYTHING now every day) He feels that he cant satisfy me (he's never tried)He wasn't raised that way (well my parents didn't teach me how to be a good lover either)I put pressure on him (I actually have kept my mouth shut about it for the majority of our relationship). I have brought hundreds of pounds worth of sexy underwear, suggested ordering porn of his choice, getting drunk and seducing him (he told me to go to bed and sleep it off.)pretending not to be interested (he didnt notice)striptease and even suggested swinging. (he just presumed that I wanted to sleep with other men - I didnt then but Im so frustrated, I do now!)
All of these excuses kept me from addressing the issue and I blamed myself. I now feel unatractive and insecure and never make a move on him as he has knocked me back once too often. After 18months of excuses and no change I have begun to lose patience. this morning we had a row when I cuddled up to him in bed and he pushed me away - the final insult. I told him that I was tired of it and asked him to leave and to be honest, I feel relieved and dont want him back as much as I adore him. The only way I would consisder taking him back would be if he sought proffesional guidance. If he can't be bothered to make that call then I cant be bothered to put up with this crap. My advice to you is to suggest the same. I know what your going through. it dominates your thoughts and strips your self confidence. Just remember that it is Her problem, not yours and until she is prepared to do something about it, hold off the wedding - you will be making the biggest mistake of your life. Good luck. x

I'm going through the EXACT same thing dude. Me and my girlfriend were scheduled to get married next year in October; I just recently brought up the idea of pushing the wedding back another year so we could 'save some more money.' Truth be told, I'm starting to discover that there is no sexual compatibility between us. I would like to have sex about 3 - 5 times a week while she never brings it up and, if left in the hands of fate, we would be having sex 1 - 2 times a month. I have tried talking to her about it and the conversations usually leaves me feeling shallow for bringing it up. I have tried romancing her with night outs, taking her out on vacations; I have even gone as far as buying Cosmopolitan magazines to try and see what makes her tick...nothing has worked. When I do bring the discussions up regarding this issue, she will always try to act interested the next night but it always seems like she's just doing it to 'make it up to me' which makes me feel even worse. I've asked her if she's still attracted to me and she always says yes but this whole thing has been eating away at my confidence. The latest technique I've tried has been to mark on the calendar the days we have sex. When I showed her that in one years time we had sex 22 times, she completely agreed that it was pathetic however nothing has changed. I've almost come to the conclusion that there is no hope. I love her so much that I would do anything for her, but I also love her so much that I know I couldn't live with myself if I ever cheated on her. Still deciding what I'm going to do but it's getting worse....lately I've been almost hoping that the reason she's not interested in sex with me is because she's cheating on me...that way it would be easier for me to know what to do.
Know that you are not alone pal. Good luck.

Hey Beat this....
I know a girl who is pathalogically insane about this subject..
she has lived with a Guy for 12 years.. and all they ever did was pet!!
and for a long while now, she refuses to do ANYTHING to help him..
I call that TORTURE.. she is unbalanced...
trouble is she is utterly georgious 5,11 slim and as sexy as Hell..
31 years old New Yorker, totally utterly Bautiful... believe me !!!!!!
to look at her you'd think she was 'getting it' but no...
she has some kind of pathalogical morality fixation...
he occasionally begs her for help, all she gives him is a hug..
if he's lucky.. 12 years she slept with him EVERY night, Its almost
impossible to BELIEVE... But I KNOW it's true, please believe me...!!
the actually met when they were children 20 years ago, its more like
Brother and sister, yet she wont cheat on him ever..
AND she NEVER Masturbates herself... beyond belief?
Waht is Wrong with Her??? can anyone explain that to me??
I am dumbfounded and out of logic on this Pair..
what can I suggest to Him or her to do... is there any cure for such
a problem, another little tell tale charateristic is...
SHE NEVER CRIES, nothing on Earth makes her cry???
is she some kind of psycotic or something..
Please spill it, I'd be interested to hear your replies.
thanks and good luck to all of you above...
you deserve the MEDAL OF HONOUR for suffering such barren hopeless
mind bending frustration..
God Bless you All, honest..

hey who dosent think about sex even God said it was a gift to humans but even I as a girl think you two should talk about it. its not the most important thing in life but it is a requirement just talk to her maybe she has something on her mind

It is quite obvious that something is lacking and it is not just sex. Sex is the last lacking item. She sounds 'frigid' and the definition of a frigid female is a clumsy male. Try being a real partner to her and being affectionate other than when you want sex. Another idea. instead of having sex with her, why don't you try making love to her.? That is what women really want. Are you a team player in the relationship or just there to have your needs met? Amazing what genuine affection will do for a relationship. Establish a real relationship with her and the try making love for a change.

It is quite obvious that something is lacking and it is not just sex. Sex is the last lacking item. She sounds 'frigid' and the definition of a frigid female is a clumsy male. Try being a real partner to her and being affectionate other than when you want sex. Another idea. instead of having sex with her, why don't you try making love to her.? That is what women really want. Are you a team player in the relationship or just there to have your needs met? Amazing what genuine affection will do for a relationship. Establish a real relationship with her and the try making love for a change.

Sorry to tell you this but, you need to get the hell out of there! for your own sanity! it won't change and in fact, it will get worse.... find some one else.

wow.
well I as a woman can tell you that I agree with both of u. sex isnt everything but it is a big part of a relationship. huge. sex is a time of not only pleasure but a connection that you eager to have with someone to a point that yes, it does fulfill many desires. the better your sexual relationship is the better cmmunication you both will have. im thinking you both have been together for a while if you are thinking of marriage though this is a big problem because whether you are male or female, sex is needed. a way to address the problem without hurting any feelings might be ... to address the problem in a third person kind of way and see her response. to keep pushing it without a plan might frustrate you and give her the wrong idea. though if you are hping to marry this woman, you MUST resolve this affair your needs dont go away.. besides.. waiting till her hormones begin to jump isnt such a bad idea.. women in that sense are a bit behind than men. how old are you both? good luck.

there is no way to get out of this you just havet to try to get her to have sex wit you like what is the closest yall have been to haveing sex?? if colse just keep going if she dont want to do it ask her if you love me and you care for me what is the problem ? and if she say for intence I dont wan tto have sex cause she want to see what your realtion ship is all abotu then you just havet to respect the fact that she dont want to have sex so get over it just mas*erba*e dont cheat just mas*erba*e and watch porn it will work just dont do any thing stupid just if you love her you will be iight with out haveing sex wit her intill she is ready

good luck hope you can get sum

I feel your pain...im going through the same thing....im a girl, 27, and my boyfriend, 31 just has absolutely no interest in me whatsoever. It's wierd....he'll kiss me once in a wihle, and its shocking, not because I dont expect it, but because I can tell that he is doing it to please me, not because he just twants to kiss me....to be connected....heaven forbid we have sex, we can be in teh same bed, and he wont even touch me! it drives me insane....I think bout it all night and now its pretty much consumed all my thoughts, I dont get why he doesnt want me, it really tears down any self confidence I have, and I don't feel attractive at all, I dont even find myself sexual anymore. I use to mas*urba*e just becuase I was horny, but now I stopped doing that, I think im just all dried up! I have no passion left, and dont feel desirable. I've talked to him about this a few times, and he's agreed that we dont, and that we should do it more often, but then thats it......the next day, its like we never had that conversation.....he's a guy, isnt he supposed to want sex more than me, I'd want it everyday and every night if I could...life is short, and if your with the one you love, I say have sex as often as you can....but right now I feel like im stuck...we've been talking about getting married, but this one thing really scares me, I can't be in a place where I wont hve sex ever again. I ve even told my self that sex is superficial and that I dont need it, but im really just denying something thats very improtant to me in a relationship, and I am not being fair to me, in the end, I'm not sure if its worth it...good luck....I didnt think there were so many people going thru the same thing..thanks for your posts, it helps to read everyone elses troubles/suggestions...love -n

listen playboy! be straight up with her! let her know you want to hit that booty about 3 times a night! the truth will set you free! when 2 people like each other then they are gonnal want to sex each other! its not about sex being all that, its about the fact that you love her! and don't let her put words in your mouth either! you love her and you want to show her by exchanging d.n.a. if she loved you she would want to exchange d.n.a. with you for real. break her dog. get her into it and let her know whats really going on. be very direct. nice and respectful but direct. and be confident and cool..women can smell weakness and if you stutter or if you punk out she will be like yeah right weakling. you really got nothing to lose. just handle your business.

I have a boyfriend and I found out that he mas*erba*e rather than having sex with me. We have sex one time a week, he mas*erba*e 2-3 times a week. When I want sex he makes up excuses like he is tired. When we have sex he comes out really quick about 5 minutes. He seems to lost interest in sex he rather prefer to mas*erba*e better. What do you think? Is he bored or lost interest in me? Do you think he will become gay later on? I think he is in denial of being gay. I know that two of his members is gay. Can you please give me advice and your opinion.

I've been in a celibate marriage for 19 years after having sex with my husband twice during a yearlong courtship.. he has never wanted to make love since we got married. I trried everything to put lovemaking back in our lifei got to tell you it never improves but once you have children your pretty well stuck until they are grown. find someone else if you possibly can because this is heatbreaking

get out or you will drive yourself crazy. over a period of time you will start to be turned off by yourself.