Sexless relationship

I would really like the input to my problem and advice. I have a large network of friends but am to embarrased to speak to them about it.

I am a 40 year old divorced woman who has been in a relationship with a 30 year old man for almost 3 years. the...

first year of our relationship was very cautious on an emotional level because I was just out of a divorce. the sexual relationship was great. as time went on our relationship has devolped into something much deeper and stronger. the problem is that we have no sex at all anymore. I have no indication why this is. he is one of the most affectionate caring men I have ever known. we rarely argue and have a lot of fun together. I can practically count how many times we have had sex together in the last 2 years. I have brought this up to him several times and get excuses or promises that we will tomorrow or whatever. this never changes. last night was valentine's day and it was kind of a final straw for me. we had a nice evening together and then when it went time to go up to bed...nothing. he asked if I wanted to watch tv and I said no so off the lights went and we talked. he said he saw something that disturbed him earlier in the day about someone's health and thus starting having a panic attack. he does get panic attacks but this has happened before in bedroom. I almost wonder if it is an act to avoid intimacy.
I spoke to him this morning and begged him to tell me what the issue is. I am so much in limbo right now. how can you go from having a great sex life to nothing. I am in love with him and you would think this would just make our sex life stronger. I know he loves me to so I just don't get it. I have asked him if I am unattractive now to him or if he is attracted to anyone and he claims he just does not know what is wrong. he wants our sex life back but does not know what to do about it. I suggested he/we speak with someone but I really don't know where to turn. I know from my past that counseling for couples who are not married usually is not covered by insurance. counseling is quite costly and neither one of us have that kind of money to dish out right now.

I am really at a loss of what to do. I love this person so much and everything is so right about us but the sex. do I just go with the flow and be happy with and continue to be in a great non-sexual relationship? or do I just end it and try and find someone who wants to be my partner in all aspects of a relationship.

If anyone has ever been in this situation, please help me with advise. I really want to stay with him but am I not getting any younger and wonder if I am just wasting my time.

Thanks!

well I hada boyfriend well I thought he was he used me
thats why dont trust men men are like roses so watch out for pricks

xxxooo annikaxxxooo

Sexless relationships are not all that bad. Currently, my partner and I only rarely have sex, mainly because of health issues. The difference is we've discussed this, and why we're not having sex. I'm really stressed right now, and often I'm too tired for sex. After a few months where we were arguing constantly, we talked it out, and agreed only to have sex when we both felt like it. If one of us was in the mood when the other wasn't we could always take measures into our own hands (literally!) Just because he's not wanting sex with you doesn't mean he doesn't love you or find you attractive anymore.

I think the biggest thing you need to do is sit down with him and talk about how you feel. Let him know you feel disappointed that he promises you'll have sex, and he doesn't follow through, that he won't talk to you about what's going on. While sex isn't the most important thing in your relationship, it means something to you, and communication is the key to getting any relationship working.

One thing you could try is taking matters into your own hands as it were. Start the ball rolling by working on yourself, and get him to help out. Use toys, or position his hands... it's still intimate, but it's not actually sex. This might help to get him more interested.

Ultimately though, if you can't communicate, you need to figure out what you want to do from there. It's very hard to keep a relationship going ifyou can't talk about things when you're not happy.

Best of luck to you!

Dear confused67,
Okay...everything is not alright but the sex...when a couple stops having sex the problem is not the sex but a deeper rooted issue. Being too tired for sex is a poor excuse meaning that sex is seen as a chore and not something that does actually bring energy to a women (men, different story) Men are hard wired differently and most men would rather have sex then just about anything else. illness...of course depending on the illness is not an excuse not to have sex, sex increases all the good hormones in the body making one feel good and even will add health benefits.
You must separated the sex from the problems. This of course is best addressed with counselling. Having a panic attack is not a wilful thing and he does not use that to avoid sex with you? Feeling your are unattractive is an indication of some very low self-esteem. You say you cannot afford a counsellor, you cannot afford not to if you want to keep this relationship alive.
Sue...good luck