My wife hates sex, I can't get enough. help!!

My wife and I are both 24 and we have been married for a year and 4 months. We never slept together before we were married for relgious reasons, but we were both very horny and ready to go. She told me that she wanted to have sex every day. Now we have been married for all this time and we quickly found out when we got married that sex is uncomfortable and unpleasent for her. She says it is only physical uncomfort and pain, but I think it has a large mental aspect. I thought this would pass, but more than a year later it is still going on. I have a very strong sex drive, but she has dissmissed sex as something that she doesn't like and has basically decided not to do it anymore. I don't know what to do, because now I find myself fantasizing about old girlfriends (I had a very erotic dream last night about an old girl friend). I also find myself looking at girls on campus and fantasizing about them (we are both college students). I am not going to go and look for an affair, but I am afraid that if one came to me then I would go with it. I don't know what to do. I don't want to split up with my wife, she is my best friend and I love her very much, but I can't just not have sex anymore. When I try to talk about it, she just tells me to go get a prostitute, but I am smarter than to go stick my jimmy in any oraface of a hooker. Should I just find some f***buddy, or should I just get over it and live a life of celibacy just because I unknowingly fell in love with an asexual woman?

It sounds to me like you have some serious communication issues between the two of you. If your wife doesn't like sex in general, and just flat out does not ever want it again, there is something unhealthy going on. Either you frighten her, or she has a physical or mental issue preventing her from enjoying herself.

Human beings are made to enjoy sex.

if the issue is just that her drive is less that yours, and she still enjoys sex when it is had, then you have a mismatch in libidos. This is a reason that celibacy before marriage is a difficult thing to make work. Sex is a very key component to a healthy relationship.

You need counseling, along with your wife. You need to identify the issue, at its core, and work to rectify the problem.

On a final note, if you would consider cheating on your wife, even if the affair 'Just came' to you, you do not truly love her. This is an absolutely unforgivable thing, and if 'for religious reasons' you held off having sex before marriage, you should definitely understand that cheating is a complete non-option.

Remember that adultery is one of those seven deadlies...

Hope that helps, Good Luck!

My impression is that you 2 are inexperienced in this respect. So, I think both of you need some sex experience with somebody else and later a discussion on that why you do not fit each other recently. Maybe you will find the problem.

Welcome to the party. We are married for 6 years. The only time we made love was when my wife wanted a child. I dont know what to blame: her low libido, my performance issue or what. I got her drunk once and I asked her that and she said that she just didnt like it. Period.

I have been waiting for 6 years for my wife to get into the mood. I guess maybe someday when she is 35 years old she would. But by then I.e. after 5 years I would be a saint.

There is no solution to your problem. I have tried everything. It is just that my wife does not like sex. So past 6 years since my marriage I have had no sex except when she wanted to have children. Thus it was restricted to maybe 4 sessions purely functional. That is all.

I pray to God that you get the strength to love your wife inspite of this. It is just destiny.

Dont push her for it or else she will just be a limp doll and bear it for your sake. She may act interested but in her eyes you can see the truth.

Unless your wife feels that it is important there is nothing you can do. And the worst thing is she may talk to some friend and then act interested and it will fizz out the next week.

JOin the party Sir. Read my story and stop complaining.

I’m one of the many husbands (possibly wives) out there who’s kids tripped over the cord on the sex machine, ripping the plug right out of the wall. That humming and sputtering sound you hear is the machine slowly grinding it’s way to a gear freezing halt, its future destination: – the appliance graveyard under the sink where the Salad Shooter currently resides.

Somebody help me out here – what do you do when your partner in life is great in every other way, but is a passion(less) fish in the bedroom? While, you yourself are one serious horn dog? For the sake of the kids, do you suck it up and be unhappy hoping and praying that your sex drive will start to wane? Do you continue to take matters into your own hands until you’ve exhausted every masturbatory move known to man including several you’ve taken it upon yourself to invent? I recommend the “Under the leg, Tiger Claw hold” – patent pending. Do you consider taking anti-depressants just for the libido reducing side effect? Hell, I’m depressed anyway, might as well kill two birds with one stone.

Yes, I am at fault for marrying my wife – I literally knew what bed I was making and chose to lie in it, so maybe I have no reason to complain. Even before the kids came along our sex drives were not aligned, but we worked on it. Sex was never an area where she was interested in making a investment or being adventuresome. Sure, she’ll spend three weeks looking to find the perfect sofa cushions, but two minutes to put on a piece of lingerie isn’t worth the time, it just comes off anyway. Although it just donned on me – maybe some role-playing is what we need. She can be the sexy interior decorator and I’ll dress up as the perfect antique coffee table – a perfect coffee table is HOT! - Queue porn music.

I am a good and considerate lover, always concentrating on her needs in the bedroom. I will happily go down on her for as long as she wants, and when I do the big O hits like a hammer. If that’s the case, why doesn’t she want it more often – I just don’t get it. If it feels that good, why not experience it al the time? No need for a special occasion, but if necessary we can create one, “A new bottle of shampoo! Hey great, let’s f**k!!” I know she may be self conscious about her body, but she’s beautiful to me. Message to my wife – you are the sexiest woman on the planet when you choose to be.

And no, I don’t look like Quasimodo – I’m actually in good shape, and the same weight I was when we were married o so long ago. And, I’m not one of these dipshit husbands that goes out with his friends to play video games until the wee hours of the morning – I don’t have any interest in an XBOX, I just want my wife’s box. Nope, I get it – I buy her flowers, I do the dishes, I work as a partner around the house. I express affection even when I’m not looking for sex – okay, I pretend I’m not looking for sex. I don’t have a drinking or drug problem, I’m not abusive, and I’m not a lazy piece of sh*t. No, I have a good job, I’m a good father, I’m reliable, responsible, and a really great guy - apparently humble too.. On the weekends I stay with the kids so she can get a break, – I sincerely appreciate what she does for us, but being a stay at home Mom doesn’t give her the right to neglect her husband.

Maybe I’ve just spent too long placing her needs ahead of my own that its become a paradigm that will be impossible to reverse. But you know what, I deserve better. I’m not asking for much just a little sex, and maybe taking the initiative to start something once in a while…or put 1% of the energy you spend on wanting other things (newer better house, new clothes, new body) to wanting your husband. And for the love of God, show some fucking creativity once in a while – I would be willing, make that eager, to try anything once. She won’t admit to it, but she’s got to have some kind of twisted fantasy buried deep inside – whatever it is, I’ll do it! “Honey, I hate to admit it but I’d love to paint your toenails and then beat you with a raw pork chop.” “Okay, do you want to use an extra lean cut or something with a lot of bone?”

I would throw this out there as a warning to my fellow man/woman – if sex is truly important to you, make sure you’re sexual soul mates. Don’t believe those discussions where your spouse says, “it’s not going to be different after we have kids,” because you know what – IT IS - and it’s really, really going to suck. After a couple of years you’ll feel like your soul is eroding – you’ll feel hurt, rejected, and very angry. After a while you’ll find yourself online, anonymously b*tching to thousands of strangers. In the long run I know it will be worth it, being a father is an amazing experience, maybe the gain is worth the pain – but it’s a significant amount of pain. And, I’m just not a selfish enough prick to give up being able to see my kids on a daily basis just so I can get some action. Nope, I’m pretty much screwed.

Yes, communication is the key to any good relationship – unfortunately we’ve already communicated this to death. There’s just not much you can do when the answer to “what can I/We/anybody do to help you” is “I don’t know.” Talk to somebody, take a pill, push a button, just try something, anything. My sanity is slowly….slipping….away.

This sucks!!!! Wish I were gay

daaaaammmnn.. you and I are on parallel universe.. I was shitting all over myself as I read your post as I am sitting right here, in YOUR shoes.. Dude, sh*t.. damn.. son of a b*tch.. awww man I just am freaking at how exactly I feel like you..

Oh, well. I know it must be hard to deal with situations like this but the best method of solving this, is to discuss this based on rational but not emotional. You'll notice the truth will come out and you'll know why shes not comfortable with it. The other thing is to discuss this with a family counseler to dig down the cause. She maybe not be comfortable of exposing herself naked to you regardless of being husband or not. Not everyone is comfortable with taking it all off. I my case, my wife and I have gone completly from having 2-3 times a day to twice a week and not once every month if I'm lucky. This changed when we had out first child three years ago and this is it. At first I thought she is not attracted to me anymore but more and more I noticed that women after having their child, the sex becomes the last thing for them to think of. Child changes everything. I don't mean for the bad but it changes the relationship between husband and wife forever.

So, if you have not got it so far or not getting enough of it, get it somehow and don't feel bad about it. This need to be intimate with the partner it is an importanct part of our social life and can not be ignored. Sometimes you have be happy inside and stop pretending that there is nothing wrong. Trust me, sometimes having an affaire, make you to be closer to your current partner than the opposite. It makes you realize if you have done the right thing or not.

Unfortunately this was going to be another 2,000 word essay on why my wife hates me or the sex I provide for her (possibly both), but I've decided to change all that and delve into the possible reasons why. Maybe if I just list every theory I've had as to why, I (and maybe you) could find my (yes and maybe your) problem(s).

Here are the top reasons:

She hates me secretly although she tells me daily otherwise.

She hates sex.

She was sexually abused as a child. A uncomfortable and displeasing theory to be sure but obvious (to me at least) nonetheless.

Lets discuss these. And by 'lets' I mean 'let me', and by 'discuss these' I mean 'rant at you in hope to find an answer to my (and remember possibly your) dilemma.

First: She hates me. This theory I reject outright. She obviously loves me. She is attentive to my other 'needs'. She is an excellent mother to my children. She takes note of what I would like to have for dinner. She tells me everyday she loves me and I believe her when she says it (not that fake desperate belief that folks often generate in their minds to shield themselves from real feelings, but genuine truth one would instantly recognize). We've been married for 7 years together for 11. Straight. Not 11 years 'off-and-on'. There was never a 'break'. For her to put up with me for 11 years in a row she must truly love me.

Secondly: She hates sex. This theory also is out with me in my case but lets discuss it anyway (who's looking out for you huh?). When (I'm lucky) we do have sex it is a wonderful event, there's passion, there's pleasure, for her and (of course) for me. She has fun. She can't deny that she loves the act when she so partakes. There are no fake moans. She doesn't lay motionless on the bed and wait for me to finish. She is open to new things (I won't go any further than that on the subject, but lets call her adventurous). She attends to my needs in bed. She senses my mood at the time and will adjust hers (within reason) to heighten the experience. All in all she quite likes sex.

Thirdly: She was abused as a child. The one I'd rather avoid but for the sake of an answer I believe I mustn't avoid this subject. This theory is a possibility however grim and disgusting. I would think that women who were abused as children have a hard time dealing with sex and may have psychological and/or physical effect on the way they view and experience sex. Although my wife doesn't show any of these symptoms, I would be hard pressed to pinpoint exactly what to look for. As far as I know she grew up in a well rounded household, her father a successful businessman, her mother a loving and caring individual whom I love and respect like my own. She had a sister who is equally loving and is in fact my wife's best friend. I know that abuse is not necessarily restricted to the home I couldn't think of anyone else who would/could do this. Perhaps such acts take a certain personality to relate with. In any case I found no one in her past that strike me as such a person. My wife has said she was never abused but she had had boyfriends who were abusive but none of them were long term and she says its not an issue with her.

Another theory I've heard of is one I like to call the 'Nesting Instinct'. Once a women becomes a mother you stop being her lover and begin your new life as provider (A.K.A. Husband). The woman also changes her role. She become a caretaker, and one of the cares that ranks real low on her list of things to care for is sex. She sometimes is overwhelmed by the amount of responsibilities she is now charged with and will be mentally if not physically exhausted when it comes time for her lower ranking ones. One could say that doesn't (care for...ha ha) like sex, but to say that would be unfair as the difference between liking sex and being able to enjoy herself during sex is just that. A difference. Its not that she doesn't like sex, or that she wouldn't like to have sex, its that she hasn't the energy to fully enjoy herself.

In conclusion, I think this problem will continue to plague mankind for many moons. Its not that there is no answer, its there is no ONE answer. There are countless answers to infinite problems regarding this area. The real problem is that couples (including my wife and I) ignore or otherwise neglect said problems until it is (often) too late and cannot be fixed. Thus, I propose the following: Discuss this with your wife as I will try to do mine. Talk it out until the talking becomes snapping and the snapping becomes yelling and the yelling becomes tearful screams and those in turn become sympathetic whispers. Let your wife know that this is, in fact, a problem an that you care enough to not just let it build into a catastrophe. Let her know that rather than lose her over time to the relentless silence that would overcome you both you will continue to fight this problem until there is a solution. Let her know you love her. Tell her. Show her. Let her know that you know (that I know that you know) you appreciate all she does for you and your family. Let her know how you feel about your frustration and how much her rejection hurts you. Save your marriage. I love you all.

My wife and I have 4 children. Right now we have sex about once a month. I haven't seen her passionate during the act since she was pregnant with our youngest child (he turns 7 years old in two months). She seems to go out of her way to avoid spending time with me because (I believe) she fears I will expect sex. We have been in marriage counseling off and on for about four years. I've made it very clear during counseling that I desire sex about two to three times a week. She has made it very clear in counseling that in no way is that ever going to happen. When we begin a session of counseling she always talks about how wonderful everything between us is. Sometimes we focus on those wonderful things all session, sometimes the counselor asks me how I am. I usually respond, 'I am fine' because if I tell the truth, my wife will get angry at me and take it out on me for the next week or so. If the counselor presses with her questions to me, I tell the truth, that I am sick of paying attention to her without reciprocity, that I am sick of not having sex, and that I am sick of her working more hours while contributing less and less to the household expenses. Once I tell the truth of how I am feeling then my wife will not speak to me for on average five to seven days.

If I leave her I won't be able to afford the child support, and I am also confident she will do everything in her power to keep the children from me.

Right now, we are roommates that say, 'love you' once in a while.

So, I feel your pain, but I have 11 more years of this pain until I can try to find happiness. Now it is time for me to call the counselor to make another useless appointment. As an fyi, I've never cheated and I mas*erba*e more than my 14 year old son. Live life, don't end up like me.

Tom

You're doomed. Have no children, get a divorce immediately. No shame in that and no one will (or should) blame you.

to tell you the truth, you are doing something wrong in bed with her. sex is suppose to hurt a woman the first time. if you only tried it once- then ofcoarse it will hurt her! especially if shes a virgin. but that doesnt mean she should stop. after doing it a few times, it stops hurting. Make sure you tell her that.

I found a guiding spirit throughout all you guys' posts: ALTRUISM.
a state of mind ruled by ever-present need to mind 'The Other' .. be a good person by being ever aware of The Other, not to offend, hurt, intimidate, humiliate, impose on, etc. The Other. [From Latin 'alter' = the other]
1.What worked for me after 10 years was to Refocus me-and-my-wife's attention to This One. To clearly show the relationship between a fulfillment of this secual partner's sexual needs to my general positive behavior in fulfilling my role as providor and every day life mate .. and to address the inJustice of my living daily unfulfilled and physically and morally uncomfortable. etc.
2.Lay a goal for your partner: to just please you. To challenge herself to making you come screaming every night by plunginging you into the burning depths of her glowing.
3.You help her. You help her do YOU. In this way the 2 of you Together are addressing the Problem (remember, the problem is Not HER satisfaction; she's had that all along by NOT HAVING SEX ) help her do it right when she's off. But you concentrate on how she's doing You. You do Her to the extent that it thrills You to do so. Don't try to make her come unless you need that for sexual not altruistic reasons.
4.GUARANTEE OR YOUR MONEY BACK: Within two weeks you will both be like teenagers discovering your own and each other's bodies and spirits anew .. She will have reached there by a) fruggling on the electro-magnetic feedback she's getting from you as she works on you; and b) seeing the enormity of the results in YOU of her attitude and actions will rekindle old secret sparks in her supressed libido to re-arouse old and wild dreams .. You'll both be happy to find it's getting late .. time to go to bed ;-)
5.SINCE the marriage basically signifies the JOINING of One and Another, there must be another word to describe the -ISM which rules a healthy marriage. ALTRUISM doesn't fit Inside. EGOTISM, caring only for the Self. It must be a sort of NOTRUISM .. We are out for Ourselves first, which in sex Includes the Other, but only as a part of the Self. but without leaving jimmie out of the whole picture ..

I don't understand how these women could not want to have sex! I would have sex every day of the week if I could--especially with a man so willing to please me. Couples need this sort of intimacy to keep the relationship going.

I am married and I want sex all the time. I am very sexual and I think its normal for a couple to have sex. I would have an affair but don't go to a hooker it may turn green and fall off. Have you been with anyone else? Try counciling. Do you want kids?

If I could redo my life I would go for a LAT relationship this way you never get trapped in the stadium were the libido of the wife goes down, that's usually what happens when you start living together.

I wish I had the answer.

Here are a few observations:

Guys watch her menstral cycle - be affectionate EVERY day expecting nothing.
Days 1-28 from her perspective (best I can tell)
Day 1 - a day of relief, the bloat is beginning to depress ( see days 25-28)
Day 2 - 3 - She thinks 'I'm feeling a little better about myself, wish I hadn't been so PMS the past few days.'
Day 4-7 Sex would be possible, if I could control the mess...maybe the shower???
Days 8 - 17 - Prime time usually day 10 is best. (At this time see if she would be willing to keep a small calendar on the number of times you 'do it'. (It will be fun and informative.) Let her keep it up ( the calendar).
Day 18 - Peak interest - get ready for the interest to plummet
Day 19 - 23 - Take it or leave it
Day 24 - 28 Buzz off! I have poor body image - I feel like a ballon that is going to pop.
Why would anyone be interested in sex at a time like this? Good grief, is that all they think about?!

Sleep naked, shower together...hope for the best (most)

But the best thing to do is CONVINCE your wife to like it. Try new things, do orals at least. Not everyone likes it the first few times. Maybe she'll eventually change her mind.

The short answer is that you are being neglected. She may have very deep rooted reasons for doing so.. You should not find a f**k buddy but you should seekm counsiling with someone who specializes in that area.

Well, you should thank your religion for that result. You got married to a woman whose sexual compatibility is unknown to you. And your wife should be more than just your best friend! I mean sexual attraction!
Try therapy, both of you. Go see a psychologist for couple sessions.

Oh, guys, and one bad news for you: women whose sexual appetite is very low do exist! They are called frigids and you should stay away from them. And no marriage, OK? :D