Is there any hope for our young marriage?

Ok I need help. I have been with my husband for 5 and a half years. We have been married a year and a half. He is 22 and I am 24. We never did have the newly wed experience like most do, being all luvy duvy, kissy kissy! In fact it seems like we never...

had that type of couple experience. We have always had a dull relationship, but we get along. I mean sure we have had a few moments, but it has mainly always just been blah, go by the fly of things. It seems like I have had my doubts for a long time and even before marriage. I had mood swing issues, which I have been to a doctor to try to correct with meds. I always cheated on him once when we first started dating (thinking it wasn't going to be serious), but I met a guy on the net last year and I really liked the guy because he made me feel special. My hubby found out about it, I quit talking to the guy and we were going to work things out, but it seems like since then it has only gotten worse. He gives me no affection besides the typical kiss in the morning before he leaves to go to work. He surprisingly did the "lets find a hobby together" thing last week. He works a lot though and when he is not working... he is asleep! Both our neighbors just found out they are pregnant... yes on both sides of us and my best friend just had a baby so I am in a way feeling like I want to have children sooner or later, but he won't talk about it... not even like in future tense. I have tried and tried to talk to him. We seperated for like 2 days and I have threated divorce or counseling a few times, but he doesn't really change or try very hard it seems like. He won't talk at all about what is bothering him. Should we just end it and get a divorce? I know I can't have our relationship to be exactly what I want, but it would be nice to feel wanted, needed, attractive or supported every once in a while. Could we just be staying together because we fear leaving eachother and losing friendship? Help is needed!!

Well, a dull but stable marriage can be a good hinterland for a woman like you are. But something certainly has to happen to you in your life. Or a extramarital (boy)friend, or a baby, or something hobby/activity or else. And you have to find out what it is. What exactly was your husband's reaction to your internet friend? Why did he object to that friendship if he cannot give any similar? What is his opinion about a baby? I would ask him about this question.

As far as missing out on the "luvy duvy" early parts of your relationship, just from what little you've said, I'd say that's your fault. Cheating on him from the beginning was a BAD move. I'm sorry be the bearer of bad news, but none of your complaints about your husband are very significant. You're unhappy because there's something wrong with YOU, not him. I won't sugar-coat it for you - You're a bad wife.

Every man's worst nightmare is to end up with a woman that doesn't think HE'S special, while demanding that he treat you like YOU'RE special. It sounds like your husband is fulfilling his part of the bargain, and you've been looking for ways to get more than you deserve from the beginning.

If it weren't for your early cheating (etc), I'd say your relationship sounds like a healthy, mature one, the way they're all supposed to be. Chances are, this relationship is doomed. I feel bad for your husband, if that's the way it goes. As far as you're concerned, you hold all the power to make things right in your marriage if that's really what you want to do. You haven't cheated on him since you've been married, and I'm assuming he loves you despite what's happened so far, so, I think there is hope.

What kind of person are you? Do you have the guts to take a dull and boring relationship, and turn it into a blazing romance? I'll admit, most people don't. But, then again, most people are divorced. I think your expectations are too high, also. You could have a blazing "romance" every weekend if you really wanted it, but you're married, so does that mean that you want more than just cheap sex? I hope so.

I think you're staying together because both of you already know everything I'm telling you. I'm not sure how your husband feels about things, but I think he's taking cues from you. If you want to save your marriage, you're going to have to have fun doing it. "Hobbies" may not be enough. I'm talking about some serious lifestyle changes, some adventure, some deepening basis for togetherness in your marriage.

Also, I want to correct the notion that your marriage is faltering because you're "young". For 10,000 years of human history, people have been married in their teens without problems like we have today. Today, people marry older than ever before, and they divorce more frequently too. If anything, I think the older a newlywed couple is, the less likely they are to be happy being married. I have a hunch this is one of the things you're experiencing. Older people (20+) are used to being single, and they're set in their ways. Younger people are like soft clay, they mold to each other and go through the changes of life in the same ways. Compatibility is easy if a couple starts out with very little identity.

The other, related, problem that you have is being older than your husband. Most successful relationships involve a man who is 2 to 10+ years older than the woman. Your husband seems unappealing to you because women naturally prefer a man who is older. It's really not his fault you feel this way, it's your biological wiring that's doing it. He can still be your James Bond dream man, but realizing a few of these natural facts will help you deal with them.

I don't know what your personalities are like, but if you want to stay married (and I hope you do), you're going to have to decide with steely resolve that you're never going to end your relationship AND you're both going to do whatever you have to to be happy together. Yes, I realize that marriage alone is not enough, you must be happy.

He's working a lot. What for? A car? A house? Who cares! Get rid of all of it and live naked on some tropical island together for 6 months instead. I'm not kidding either, I'm dead serious. I'm assuming you're American, and I can tell you for a fact that trying to make a decent living the old-fashioned way is a lost cause, and it's NOT more imprortant than your marriage.

Think about it carefully before you talk to your husband. Don't let him tell you what he thinks until he's had a few days to think about it too. You both need to let it roll around in your minds independently, before you decide together what to do.

Good luck.

Thanks so much for your responses! They are awesome. I have had my hopes a bit too high. His personality is extrememly laid back. He came from a blue collar type family. His dad works extremely hard and his mom basically just stays home. He was somewhat bottle-fed growing up. I grew up with both my parents working and with money, so I am admittingly spoiled. He does have a big heart, although it doesn't show very often. I love him very much. I want to be with him and have children with him. His response to the internet friend was pretty negative... he didn't know what he wanted to do. When we seperated he actually came and got a lot of his stuff and took it to his parents. I guess I fear he doesn't love me and it's almost like I feel like I need the reassurance. I don't exactly need to feel special, but just to know he does still care and think the world of me every once in a while. Lately here I have really been trying to upkeep the house, cook dinner and do all those wife things. During this time he may offer to help one time if he does, otherwise he is playing video games or sleeping. It doesn't try to get intimate. We have been married a year and a half and once a month is normal for us and we have no kid! I do want to fix things and work it out. Is there anything I can do on my end to help things out? My personality is a bit more aggressive, I run from problems at first and then I want to talk about them, I am goal-oriented, for example I want to go back to school and his first questions is how much is it... I want to do a lot in life and be successful, but he is comfortable as things are... Sometimes I feel we are just seperate people, but I do feel the world for him, which is why I am here to get advice and I welcome all with none taken offensively. Is this just a normal thing to questions marriage sometimes? Could this just be the comfort level of deeper love? Can I have specified suggestions on the way I should look at fixing this, being should we try to sit and talk or should I try things and then lead in to talking... He doesn't really do the serious talks and when I try to have them he makes a joke of things, which may be his way of being comfortable but it makes me feel as though he feels our future is a joke. I am just trying to figure out ways to make it work! Thanks much for all!!!

I wasn't sure how you would responnd my kind of harsh advice, but I can see you responded positively, and that's a good sign.

Yes, it's normal to question sometimes. It's not normal to actually divorce, and the questioning doesn't normally come until about 4 to 7 years of marriage. So many questions so early worries me, but, every relationship is different, and it probably doesn't mean anything if you're willinng to work it out.

Your husband's joking approach to your serious talks is his way of avoiding it. He doesn't think your future is a joke, he's just very uncomfortable talking about it. That's not necessarily bad news, especially since he's a laid-back personality that avoids serious things, but it COULD mean that he is dissatisfied with some things too. In fact, given your wavering loyalty to him, I'm sure that's what's wrong.

The two of you need a fresh start. It's going to be hard to get it out of him though. I'm a man, and I'll be first to admit that the best way to hasdle most men is as if they were children. The reverse psychology games actually work, even well into our 40's and 50's!

You need to be persistent. He's probably feeling not-so-hot about your relationship, and he doesn't want to tell you that. He probably feels guilty about it too. I'm sure that if he married you, at first he wanted to have a perfect marriage. So, you're not the only one who's disappointed.

Now for the really bad news...

Your "fooling around" (no matter how small it was) has probably hurt him MUCH more than his laid-back personality can handle. That, combined with his nervousness in talking to you about the future leads me to believe that he's not been entirely 100% faithful either. Don't freak out though, he may just be having the same thoughts as you, and I'm SURE he feels guilty about it. But, if you want to save your marriage, you're going to have to be prepared for the worst - AND be prepared to forgive. Think about this carefully. Your marriage is already gasping for air, it can't get worse, only better.

So, your marriage is in a lot of trouble right now, and your only hope of saving it, and making it wonderful for the rest of your lives, is for both of you to lay out your cards for each other, and feel whatever pain they have in store - and then forgive and move forward, promising never to let anything hurt your marriage ever again. You have problems, you HAVE to start facing them NOW.

If your husband won't cooperate, or he keeps joking, get help from friends, preferably his friends. I mean physical help. The two of you need to be locked up long enough to get his serious face on. You don't have to have it all solved in one session, but don't give up. Throughout it all, let him know you love him and you want to be with him forever. If he has bad news for you, take it, deal with it, and reassure him that if he is willing to forgive, you are too.

I think you're headed for difficult, but maybe exciting times. Sex only once a month? No way! Do whatever you have to to fix this. Please him however you can. Encourage him to do the same for you. And don't forget that NOTHING is more important. Late for work? Who cares! You're not rich yet anyway, so screw it.

It's also time to start paying more attention to physical health, which will help with the sex appeal. Being a woman, this will come more easily for you. For him, he'll need some prodding. I'm not sure what motivates your husband, so I'll let you figure that one out. Instead of "hobbies", maybe some exhilarating sports? Good food, the outdoors, and a pleasant social atmosphere will help in all of this. Cooking classes? Barbecues with friends? A wild naked romp on a country farm? Just some ideas...

The hardest thing is to decide which direction to go.

As I see it your choice is to fix your marriage or end it. Half-way crap is not worth it. I was in a 17.5 year marriage where most of the time I was making a half-arsed attempt to save it while my spouse took me completely for granted and wasn't trying at all. When I think of all those years of unhappiness that I'll never have back I get depressed. Then again my 2nd marriage was the charm; now I'm really happy so I figure if 15 years of unappiness was what it took to get me where I am today it was worth it.

As Louise told Thelma, "you get what you settle for" and hun you settled for far too little.

Almost everyone looks at divorce as a failure and something to be avoided at all costs. I look at it differently; if you would be happier on your own or with someone else by all means get the heck out! When my friends learned I was getting divorced they all asked me to try reconciliation; they told me that getting divorced was throwing away 17 years. Getting divorced didn't waste 17 years, they were already gone. What I was doing was saving the rest of my life. LIfe is too short to spend in an unhappy marriage. One bad year then another eventually can become a decade or two. Don't wait for the customary 7 year itch or mid-life crisis to reexamine your life; do it now. I've met couples who had been together for 50 years and unhappy for 50 years. Everybody seems to be impressed by long marriages like this as if longevity is the only measure of a relationship

So you saw another guy while you were dating. BFD, that should be water under the bridge by now. It would be different if you were engaged or married.

Whatever you do don't have kids until you are sure that your husband is your life-mate. Kids do not save marriages though sometimes they keep unhappy couples together longer than they should. Kids are need machines and if your needs are not being met now delaing with someone even needier than you will only leave you less satesfied.

good luck!