Should I invite a guest if my boyfriend is against it?

This is a long one so sit tight!

One of my friends whom both my boyfriend and I have unresolved issues with (she tends to be opportunistic) called to tell me that she had given my phone number and email to one of her friends (who is a guy) that will be...

traveling through my town.

Before I could even feel comfortable with it, the person called and said that he would like to come visit and meet me. I have a tendency of being very generous and helpful so I told the person that it would be a pleasure to meet him too. When I asked my boyfriend if he minded if I invited the person to sleep over, he said, yes and that he didn't feel like it. Since we live together, I agreed not to invite him to sleep over but to help him find a hotel and have a drink together (with my boyfriend). The person seemed to be very worried about bothering me and I insisted that it was ok. with my boyfriend and I .

The next day, my boyfriend was very distant and finally admitted that he didn't like the fact that my friend had called and given my phone number to a stranger. We talked about it and we realized that we really have to confront her about her behavior (which is difficult for me since I've known her for over 15 years) but that it shouldn't affect us to the point of making problems in our relationship. The day after that, he also admitted that he didn't want me to spend time with this visitor. He said it made him feel uncomfortable. He didn't want to meet him or see him. I thought he was projecting his feelings unto a stranger and that he should give him a chance. He then reacted very strongly and said that he didn't have too if he didn't want too. That he couldn't explain his reaction but that it might have to do with past jealousy and hurt.

This in turn hurt me deeply because I felt he wasn't letting me be myself and spend time with the people I choose or be kind to whom I choose. He said that he wasn't telling me not to spend time with him but that he was just telling me his feelings. I told him that it was about the same because I loved him and didn't want to hurt him and that it's hard to be someone's host if you can't invite them to your home and if your partner will most probably make them feel unwelcome. He said I should have asked and I said I didn't think I had too. I hadn't realized there was an issue about talking to people and helping them. He said I am too generous and it pissed him off that others weren't in return. I told him I didn't do it for others but for myself, that I enjoyed giving and sharing. And that we were discussing someone we didn't even know, maybe they were kind also. He was skeptical about why this person wants to visit and thinks he has imposed himself upon us. I don't agree I think it's not his fault but my girlfriends fault for not asking us before hand, not giving us a heads up.

So finally here's my question: should I invite the guest to come to my town despite my boyfriends feelings and just lie about my boyfriend being sick or something to explain his absence? Or should I tell the guest not to come because it's not a good time since I have some personal problems to resolve?

I want to help my boyfriend get over his issues and not blame it on strangers but at the same time I feel like I would be betraying him and purposely hurting him. Yet, I don't want to feel as though he dictates who I talk too and when just because he doesn't feel like it or is afraid or whatever. I hate lying and I hate feeling like an arse for having invited someone and then tell them not to come. My boyfriend says he trust me so I just don't get it. Why is he putting me in such an uncomfortable position?

Argh...a penny for your thoughts.

Thanks for helping me see clear on this one.

Dear zorbot,
You have taken the blame and put it on your boyfriend. You have taken a situation that need not be too complicated and now has turned into deception.
Your friend did impose on you with this request...your boyfriend wasn't unreasonable in feeling uncomfortable with this situation at all. You may feel that he is controlling in areas of the relationship and you have let that spill over to this situation. You have now lied to your b/f and went against his wishes as well as your own instincts knowing it wasn't good from the start.
I'm agreeing with your b/f on this one and I know my hubby would have not agreed to this either. Always try to reverse the situation...a guy from his work calls and said a hot gal he knows is going to be visiting your city...hey man, put her up in the guest room will ya and show her a good time. Hmmm...now how do you feel. I know I'd feel uncomfortable and this would be a normal and natural response.
Sue...good luck

I think there are two possible interpretations of this story.

1/ You have a friend who likes you but she has an other friend too, who is a friendly and nince guy (at least for your friend), who now will travel across your town, one day arrive, and the other day leave. So your friend thought that you may show him the town, and since the guy is nice and friendly you and your b/f together will be curious of one of her friends, and will spend some nice time with this man who came from tha far, from an other type of life, so he might be interesting. If you and your b/f are social type persons then this kind of meetings are always interesting, and this is a nice and civilized way of the life. The only bed point is that your friend should have asked you before she sends this guy on your neck. But, if you are that social, and open person that could be, this is only a minor problem, and not a major one. Yes, very friendly people may give a one night accomodation for a friend's friend, but this might be too much also, it depends on a lot of things.

2/ The guy is a terrible person. He wants to do something wrong. If you let him into your house then you and your b/f will be in danger. Or if you invite him for a drink or a dinner, that is also dagerous, at least he wants you to pay his bill, etc.

I do not know which version is closer to the reality. So in your place, I would be decided to meet this guy, since he is your friend's friend, and if your b/f is not able to escort me (you), that is not a nince step from him, then I would find an other person, or what much is better a small company (3-4 persons), to have a drink with this guy. It is importan not to go with this guy any unsecure place. But I think this is obvious.

Again, there are two possible outcomes of my advice.

1/ The guy is nice and interesting, al the company will have a nice time, so you may tell your b/f that he is too much closed from the spontaneous events of the life, what is not so good.

2/ The guy is uninteresting and unfriendly, then you may tell your b/f that he was right, next time you will listen to his intuition, but you hade to give a favor to your old friend, sonce she is an old friend. And write me please what finally happened Thanks.

Sue, how have I lied to my boyfriend? I think your advise is good but at the same time, I aim to go beyond being jealous because a friend is a man or a woman in my relationship. I have put myself in the reverse situation and I would have accepted because I wouldn't have felt threatened. It might have been weird at first but at the same time I don't see how a few hours to get to know someone can really determine the love I share with my boyfriend. Why should it make him feel insecure? It's not like I'm asking him not to be there with me?

In saying that someone of the opposite sex is "hot" and that you "want to show them a good time" is making the contact and the relationship sexual which it isn't. Why do relationships between human beings need to always be sexual? Am I just weird to think friendship is possible without sex?

O.k., so let's say it's his fear of my sexual attraction for another man or his desire to be the only man in my life...while I can swallow my pride and stop the visit, how then do I get over the fact that this in itself is my great deception.

Yes I am friendly and social and I see it as a chance to meet someone interesting that was sent by a friend (therefore that can be trusted). Need I say, I don't have many friends in this town so it's also a nice way to get out of the house and have a nice evening.

Dear zorbot,
You're right ...I reread what I misinterpreted when you said Quote "I feel like I would be betraying him and purposely hurting him" So you haven't lied as yet. Yes, if the tables were turned we would take it as a sexual thing...as your boyfriend probably thinks deep down inside. I do get over analytical because of my work and sometimes I see the outcome before the outcome...but I still feel that this shouldn't be an issue; he disagrees with it and you need a win, win situation or one of you will loose...who will it be.
Sue...good luck

How about a little role-reversal.

Would YOU feel comfortable, if your boyfriend went out & entertained some girl from out-of-town, after she got HIS number from one of his buddies? ...without you?

Dear captainassassin, as I understand the situtaion zorbot's b/f was kindly invited to take part in this (lets's say) party with the visitors. If he refuses it, that is his decision. Do not forget something; refusing to go out with your partner is a way of blocking his or her freedom. Some females who have home-sitting husband suffer of this type of freedom-withdrawal. Well, I am not American, so I do not understend why it is so terrible if this stranger has the number of zorbot. For me it is maximum unusual. E.g. I have the number of several females but my g/f does not care about it, and vica versa. As far I see, here the main question is that a girl who has a b/f will or will not be allowed to have male friends. My oppinion is that they may have.