How can I let my husband know that his actions are hurting me?

I am married to a man who seems to greatly value integrity. He is one of the biggest introverts I have ever met. My husband was promoted to manager over a year ago and along with that came a secretary and tons of travel. For the past year, his...

secretary has said inappropriate and hurtful things to me that my husband has allegedly said to her. For an example, he and I finally went on a romantic vacation to Mexico and when we returned she asked me how the vacation was. I said it was great and I enjoyed getting away with my husband, to which she says "really, because he said that it wasn't enjoyable at all and wish he would have never gone".

Of course I relay this comment to my husband who denies it. There are so many hurtful comments I can't begin to relay them all, to which he denies everyone.

This past week, my husband was scheduled to travel to Reno Nevada where one of his field offices are. He did not offer up the information, but rather I prodded it out of him that his secretary would also be there. The next day, his secretary called me, and said that my husband had come in to work in a bad mood but that she would talk to him when she got to Reno and try to get him out of the bad mood. She further said that she wasn't sure why she was going, but that he just wanted her there. That he told her that he would pick her up at the airport, show her around town and take her to the hotel. All to which he denied saying.

What happened? He picked her up at the airport, took her to the office, then gave her a ride to the hotel. He knew I was upset because of the history behind her comments, yet he had dinner with her that night as well. He said that it was with other people as well, not just the two of them. I tried calling him on his cell phone, and no answer, for 2.5 hours. I gave up.

He finally called me at 8:45pm and said that he had left his phone in his room, to which he later admitted that he lied about. He did have it with him, but had put it on vibrate so that I wouldn't call and interrupt his dinner.

Am I over reacting? I can tell you that I would never put him in this same situation, and I would never stand by for a year and let someone hurt him time and time again, I would put a stop to it. Instead he continually puts himself in situations that promote more hurtful comments by her and in a situation a married man should not put himself in.

How do I get through to him that this behavior is a big deal? He turns the table around and says that I am trying to control him and that he walks on pins and needles because he can't do anything right.

Well I can see why you are worried, I probably would be doing the same thing. I would talk to him more and tell him why you feel this way again, and explain to him this is just how you feel and you can't really change how you feel about it. Ask him if he could help figure it out with you and try and be more understanding. You are in a complicated situation though, and ofcourse I dont know your husband so it could be different in your shoes talking to him. Other suggestions would be to higher a investigator, keep sneaking around figuring out whats going on... or just talk to him...

Hope it works out.
jason

Thanks Jason. I appreciate your response. I texted him last night just to say Good Night but he didn't respond and didn't call like he usually does. I sent him an email this morning and his response was very cold and short. His secretary left yesterday, so she wasn't there last night. He is coming home late tonight and I'm afraid to say anything to him because he always turns it around to be my fault. I guess when you look at it logically it comes down to deal with it or leave. That's a big decision to make.

Thanks again for taking the time to answer my question.

Not a problem, always here to help.... there defiantly sounds like there is something up with this guy... I would be careful, and well you already have an idea of what you may have to do... life sucks sometimes... I really hope you can get this resolved because I know how it is to be in your shoes wondering... You only live once so... get it taken care of.

jason

Seems to me that he is like most men and doesn't like confrontation. Has to get the job done and doesn't want to make waves in the office. The secretary sounds like she is a coniving trouble making b*tch. She is after something, question is has she gotten it. I hope that if she and your husband were having an affair, she would be more secretive. If he can't be honest, then you have to start checking things out. Most importantly, when she says something nasty about to you, regardless of what it is...if on the phone, kind of giggle and let her know it doesn't bother you. If you are in person look at her giggle and give her that look that she knows you think she is a joke. (then if you need to go get in the shower and cry) but not infront of her.

There must be something going on, either your husband has lead this secretary on and she is trying to come between you and him, or she just has a crush on him and is trying to make you think there is something going on. But it all seems to suspicious that he keeps taking her away for no apparent reason and going to motels and having dinner, "with other people" maybe not. I would def not like this situation and want it changed becos you cant keep hearing these ridiculous comments from his secretary, and if they are true your in a lot of trouble in your marriage.