How can I stop hating myself for this?

Hello. Im am a 14 year old girl (going on 15 next month). Im here to get some help. Well, heres the deal. I currently hate my life. Now I know your thinking "Oh wow, what a freaking moron. She needs go do die blah blah blah", but please let me finish....

First off, I have the though I might be pregnant. Yes I know, this isn't anything new. Well, the thing is, oh boy this is really hard for me, but about on the third I had sex for the first time. He didnt use a condom but we didnt do "it" for long. Im not sure wheather im pregnant. Well about a week ago I had my period so I stopped worrying (he also told me that he didnt ejaculate or anything). Well just tonight, well I had sex again. I know I know ! That was bad, but there is a lonnng story behind it. But anyway..after we both got home, we both got on msn and he was like "ahh ! Go do something to help lessen the chance of getting pregnant !!" Ok, heres the thing, he DID use a condom but, I read on here (and google) that sometimes they dont really stop that, and Im think the condom broke as well. I heard a big snap and that was it. I can't help but freak out.

Now, aside from all of that, there is more. OH boy there is more. Just last wensday. I went to this guys house to hang out. Well, listen to this. (trust me, this is important to remember) HE lead me downstairs, HE pushed me onto the bed, and HE put HIS hands down my pants. Oh, I also forgot to mention, he asked if I was ok with it and I said no, but he kept doing it ! I did try to get away but I guess it wasnt good enough for him. Now, your probably thinking, well gezz girl, you need to push him away harder. Please understand, I am the type of girl when I get terrifed or freaked out, I freeze. I freeze and I dont know what to do. Well, haha this isnt the end of that story. Well apparently at school, he tells EVERYONE else the exact opposite. He says that I pushed him down the stairs, that I was all over him, and that I put my hands down my pants. People come up to me everyday and ask what happened. I seriously can't stand it.

Aside from those two big things. I am also a person, that when something bad happens to me, or when I lose control, I take it out on myself, and badly. I know that is even bad. But please, I am here for help. I do not wish to be yelled at, cursed at, or be judged. I realize what I did/doing is wrong and Im here for help. I can't tell my parents because they really dont trust me from when I snuck out in March and a cop brought me home. Im here to get help from people who proabably have been or is going through the same thing. Or maybe knows someone who has been through this.

Please, I could really use all the help I can get. I know I'm only 14. I am a stupid and should probably deserves to die. Am I right ?? =[[

Please, I need help. Anything will help. =[[

if the boy who pushed you down the stairs had sex with you against your consent, you have a right to report him to the police for rape. and I strongly suggest you do that. tell your parents too. you seem to be a very mature girl who understands the situation. understand this too, you cant keep this a secret. you may not have to talk about your boyfriend and u, but you definitely have to talk about the boy who raped u. your a 14 year old girl, you got your whole future in front of u. dont waste it away. and when your having sex with your boyfriend next time, taje a pregnancy pill.

So basically... you're freaking out because you may be pregnant and the father is yet another high school idiot.

Leave him, ignore the rumors, and talk to your parents if you turn out to be pregnant. Yes, you need to talk to your parents no matter how afraid you are to be judged by them. Clearly you know you made a mistake - now face the consequences.

That's the only help when you're desperate enough to turn to people on the Internet for a serious problem.

As far I see from your story your first b/f did not make you pregnant. But I could not understand that the second boy who "led you downstairs" finally f*cked you or not. This is not clear in your writing. Basically I think nothing is bad with you, but if you are such an active sexually as you describe than you should take pills against pregnancy or find other way to protect yourself, e.g. spiral or else. Yes, all that boys who are around you will "lead you downstairs" in the future too. Well, theoretically you could change your company for a better one, but I do thing that you could do it socially. So one thing remans, you have to protect yourself, and I think your parents will understand this. If not, show them my answer. Good luck.

Im not judging you, Im around your age, so I can relate to you, although I dont know exaclty how your feeling, I can imagine.

I know it must be terrifying and the thought of telling your parents kills you but this is the sort of thing that wont go away, you need to get some advice, go to the pharamacy, you can talk to the doctors confidentially and they can give you a pregnancy test. Go with one of your closest friends so you wont have to go alone as I know this could be terrfying as well. If you find it impossible to do that, and you feel you can talk to your parents please do so, obviously thy will know what to do, they can help you and make you feel safe, although they may be angry to start with, its oly becasues your still their baby and their worried.

I know you feel this is out of your hands but its better to get this sorted now than before its to late, everything is running through your head, you are too young to have a child and you are realising that, so get this sorted before it tears you apart, you might not be pregnant. But please, please learn from your mistakes, I know it was this boy, but the first two it wasnt and thats what counts, and its your life. your only 14.
Im sure you will be okay just take this advice and everything will be fine.

Stay safe. Write back if you feel this helped.

look babygirl dont beat urslef up. that dude who led you downstairs is a loser and you shouldnt worry about him. try confronting him in front of other people tell them what really happened and he will freeze up. also calm down on having sex the way your are. take some time of from the pen*s party. your problem is you seem to have a hard time saying no to the point where people dont take you serious enough. you have to make people understand you mean what you say. when you went down staris you gave off the impression that you were willing but once you said no he thought you were playing hard to get. so next time dont just say no and freeze up kick him in the nuts so that he gets it. and as far as bein pregnant thats what you deal with when you have sex you have to be careful. look I dont know you but im a guy who started having sex when I was 12. and ill admitt that guys will use all kinda tricks and bs to get you to give it up. but one thing I never have done and will always hate are dudes who cnat take no for an answer. so next time somebody cant take no for an answer hit me up and ill come to wherever you are and kick his a.s.s. myself.

Hun, no you do not deserve to die.. everyone makes mistakes and that guy made an even bigger one. Firstly that guy who went against your consent needs to be reported to the police. You will not be in trouble, he will. I know you may feel like a grass but what if he turns out to be a rapist when he is older and does something even worse to someone else.. on a street, in a warehouse... left for dead maybe? Obviously your parents will need to know that you are/have reported him. Therefore they will be involved.

Your parent's duty is to be there for you and take responsibility for you. You are still a child even if you feel older. Tell them what you have told us.. write it down if you can't tell them face to face. Sometimes it is easier to do that because they can't interrupt you. Your parents may well be angry at you having unproteted sex for the first time, especially at a younger age. But they will learn to get over it and be there for you through this ordeal that has happened afterwards.

As for being pregnant.. it is possible, but condoms are 99% safe. The other 1% is when it breaks. To avoid it breaking, you need to learn how to apply a condom on properly (leaving a gap at the top etc) and to have the right size for the male. If you are pregnant, first person you need to tell is the father... then the parents. If they won't stand by you I suggest a family clinic, they will guide you through it whether you keep it or abort it.

The other thing is your confidence, you need to learn to be strong and not freeze when something like that happens, and hopefully it won't happen to you again. I know what it feels like, I have been in that situation before. I know you feel worthless right now, but why not do something with your life, join a kick boxing class as a hobby.. not only will you feel better, you will learn how to fend off predators (slimey men lol).

The school comments to you from other students are just them being small minded, ignore them, it will go away soon. If you tell them your side they will only see it as a petty lie to get attention and his life ruined. It won't work except a few close friends who will and should believe you. I been through that also. And it is horrible, my school days was a nightmare. But I got through it and so can you.

you know you should tell the police about the rape because thats really wrong and you know sometimes your desicions will get you into a LOt of trouble.. I know how you feel like I hate my life too! but you know if you need advice I am here for you. But just to let you know having sex at your age wasnt that good of a decision bc you can be in so much of a bad reputation for losing your virginity sooo early..man. but you know you should tell your parents because seriously they are the ones you should depend on besides God because I am a hard core believer soo I come to him in prayer and even if you dont believe in Him I suggest you do!