Cheating, lieing boyfriend... I know I can't be with him, but how do I distance myself?

Okay, my boyfriend and I had been together for a year and a half. I found out I was pregnant, he seemed really excited about it all and we had started to get ready for the baby. We were looking for apartments, looking for engagement rings, we told our...

families, everyone was excited. Never once did he sound to me like he was scared or having second thoughts. He always sounded so sure that that was what he wanted. Even though I was a little younger that most people when the get pregnant (19), I was so happy that I had a wonderful man that I loved so much to take care of me.

A month after we found out I was pregnant, I found out that he had been cheating on me for the last two weeks. I know who the girl is and I know he wasn't in love with her. As soon as I found out he stopped seeing her (as far as I know) and I tried to work things out with him for the baby. He was sorry and OF COURSE he was sorry- he got caught. When I was nine weeks pregnant I had a miscarriage... blame it on stress, or fate, but I did.

After the miscarriage I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore. I said that it was all too much for me to handle. Every time we had sex I couldn't stop thinking about it. I've been so miserable ever since then. After a few days of constant calling and badgering from him, I told him I would go back to him.

Now most people would think, "What else has he been doing?" I asked his friends and family and they all said the same thing: "He was head-over-heels in love with you for a long time and it still seems like he is... I don't know what's been up with him lately, but he's an idiot". They even gave me specific examples of times when he was honorable, but I won't go into that. Just know that he was a great guy for a long time. Now everything has gone down the toilet.

Two days ago I found a phone number in his bedroom labeled "Tanya". I called it and the girl said she was the bartender at the local bar and that he had come in the other night and told her he didn't have a girlfriend and that he would take her out to dinner sometime. I lost it. I told him that I didn't want him coming around anymore. I didn't want him to call anymore. I couldn't stand him to hurt me anymore. I'm strong, but I'm not that strong. Once again, after constant badgering and calling, I went to his house. I stayed there that night and I pretended that nothing had happened and that we were like we used to be before I was pregnant. It felt good, but it wasn't real. I'm so hurt and lonely and broken that I don't even know what's real anymore.

The next day I tried calling him and his phone was busy for 45 minutes. Now everyone knows that guys don't sit on the phone with their guy friends (and this one doesn't talk to his mother that long) for that long. When I finally got ahold of him, he said that he had been online. I was suspicious and went to his house after he went to work. I looked at his history and saw that he wasn't even online that day.

When confronted about things he gives me a buttered up version of the story. He tells me over and over again that he wants to be with me and that he's not going to lie to me anymore. He won't stop calling and bothering me. I don't want to take legal action against him, that just doesn't seem right to me. I just want to be happy and I know that I can't be happy with him.

If you've taken the time to read all of this, then thank you. Feel free to give me any advice you can, I need it. But my question is, how can I truly, truly, distance myself from him? He's so in my face all the time that I can't breath anymore.

Quite a story, it seems like you have been dwelling on this for some time. Giving that much energy to a relationship you are unsure about, at best, and hasn't worked out so far - might not be the healthiest thing to do.

From a pragmatic perspective, with all that has happened and the infidelity, it seems more than likely you can never trust him to be faithful to you.

Aside from that, you need to figure out exactly what you want from a relationship. Then, once you have in mind what you want, try to achieve that. Don't settle, because you will never be truly happy that way.

It's good to get adice on something like this, but if you want him to stop calling - tell him, in no uncertain terms, it's done with. And let family or friends know what is going on, as well.

Then if he calls again, tell him that you will get a restraining order or what not.

Good luck with it.

I feel like I just read one or my own diary entries. I know you're hurting because you've loved this person with all your hurt and shared intimacies with him and you feel right now you couldn't possibly feel with someone else...But trust me it sounds like a relationship with him would not have any trust and without trust you can't build and keep a relationship without it!

It sounds like you're staring on the right path and taking time to yourself and really thinking about what you want out of a relationship it really good advice.

As to how to distance yourself there are always the extreme measures of moving, changing phone numbers, and placing restraining orders; but I think the best thing to do is to tell him it's not going to happen again and then just ignore the calls. (and any help from family and friends is always a plus.) in the end I think you will personally feel stronger for having stood your ground.

Hope it helps. =)

I really know how you feel.That sounds a lot like my situtation. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. He cheated on me and I still took him back. After that he said he loved me and would never do it again.But I have a lot of doughts. I wont go into detail but half of my friends tell me he's tried to hook up with them and so on. I want to get away to but I love him so much and I just can't leave. The best thing to do is try to avoid him.Maybe get your number changed and just stay away. I know it's easier said than done but if you can it will help so much. Go out with friends and have fun.

Run for your life. Change your number; get a restraining order; take yourself seriously; mourn the baby; get out while you can. Lying is a big deal and please do not be in denial about that fact. Taking another sex partner is one thing, lying about it is another. Everyone must be free to do what they feel they must do, but it is essential to be honest. If your "partner" cannot be honest, you are in danger. You know that feeling of fear? It's trying to tell you something. Like, "Run for your life."

Please take your time and my suggestion would be the same as to avoid him. But before anything be absolutely sure that he is actually cheating on you and not doing things under certain pressures like social or mental...Perhaps taking help from a reliable friend who is common to both of you might help. But it has to do with your own feeling actually . It is quite evident that you have loved him but he never loved you in the first case if he is dishonest currently. Sometimes this happens when you are in love you are blind to the other´s actions and always keep bilieving what he\she is doing is right . This is true when the other also loves you. Sometimes you start to suspect and this goes too far. You start suspecting everything he\she does . In these cases often heart tells one thing, brain tells the other . I have always stuck by the heart in these cases and was always successful. All the best wishes!

Hi Kimberly,

Just happened to come across your posting..have received some very good advice so far. You sound intelligent, perceptive with very good intuition and judgement. My best advice is to trust yourself. Pay most attention to your feelings about the situation and how you feel about yourself in this relationship. Is the relationship enhancing and bringing joy and peace to your life? Bringing out the best in you? Or is it undermining your sense of self, your self-confidence, esteem etc.?
Secondly, regarding distancing yourself. Set very clear boundaries with him. Be direct, specific, and MOST importantly follow through with what you say you will do if he violates or crosses those boundaries. The others have suggested some good strategies. Love is action, and his behavior is saying a lot about his ability ( limitations) to love. You deserve honesty, trust and deep love - in action.

Wishing you the best in making a wise decision..decide in the direction of happiness
D.G.

Change your number and don't answer the door if he comes over to your house thats the only way to solve the problem. No one is perfect you gave him a second chance and he did you wrong again, so he has proven that he is a liar and not trusthworthy and some one like that needs to be kicked to tha curb like Beckham. You have to respect your self and love your self enough to know you dont deserve a dog, you deserve a good man. Be strong!! go out with some friends and have some fun.. heck meet some new people its always good to have friends. If he keeps getting numbers, he doesn't respect your or care about your feelings.

Okaii!! not to make excuses for em but he probably cheatd on you da frst time because altho he loves you its still big and guys if happy bout startn a family feel its der last chance to do sumthin wit sumbody else before really committin!! and he probably kept cheatin after da loss because dats his way of dealn wit it, still its wrng and that doesnt excuse his actions!! he may love you but not be in love wit u, trust me I've been der!! its hard lettin go of sumone you really loved I know it is but what I did was accept da fact that it wuznt gana work and yeh we still talk but not as much I keep myself busy so I wont have to thnk bout da time we had 2geda!!

I hope you can leave him as soon as you can. You can never be happy with your entire life living with doubts. I had experienced that before, My b/f and I are 5 years in relationship, he cheated on me 3x and that third time, I felt it's over. Right now, I'm not yet recovered from pains but I feel happier and more secured without him, We tried to work things out but we always fight. Last thing I did, was change my email address, and phone numbers as well. Life is better without him, promise! You don't deserve liars and cheater.

Yerr
my older friend lost her baby must have been hard
but you should move on and get him out of your life and do somethink for you and not go back to the cheating boyfriend yer im young but I quess I know what im tlking bowt so may be hard but try and move on yer?
good luck
x

The best thing you can do is ignore him, that way your not only getting your own bck on him, because believe me he wont like it, you will also be doing whats best for u.
Ignoring him will make him think your not interested and think you have more self confidence than he thinks you do.
Why make him think your interested by answering the calls from him when he doesnt deserve the satisfaction of thinking that. trust me the best way for him to at least regret what hes done is to ignore him.
Take time for yourself for a bit then start looking for a decent man, that will get him where it hurts if he has any feelings for u.
Hes not worth it, or worth thinking about. in a years time you will be wondering why you ever liked him in the first place. So as hard as you think it is you really have to cut all ties with him, if he still manages to harass you then hes no respect for you whatsoever.
He actually sounds like hes needing some help to be honest, he knows what hes done to you and being honest he doesnt care or he would leave you alone and let you find a decent man. So why should you care, get rid of him and look forward to a happy independant life without him and get looking for some one nice and caring.
Good luck

First off, you deserve better. What you are doing is enableing. Every time he get's caught you dump him then take him back. STOP NOW!!! Do you have caller ID? If so use it to screen your calls, and don't answer when it's him. If he's always in your face it's because you let him be. STOP NOW!!! If it requireds legal action to keep him at bay (I.e. a restraining order) then so be it. If you want him out of your life what is the issue. Best of luck with what you do from this point on.